Friday, December 8, 2017
Blue Horses
Friday, March 10, 2017
Go Out and Let Your Hearts Get Broken
"Go out and get your hearts broken," Hunter advised. "Reach out for those things that will awaken you, know that your deepest cravings are usually not for what you think you want, but for those things that your heart knows you need. Your deepest fears and your darkest abysses are there to awaken you to a thousand moments of enlightenment. Go there no matter how much you tremble and quiver."
*****
I had a dream that Hilary Clinton was dead, and her body lay on a gurney. Hunched over her on the verge of dissecting her was Donald Trump. The collective corpus of the majority of voters have felt defeat, this broad body of learned folks stunned into disbelief, reaching out to one another through comforting emails, published stories, reciting words of wisdom, gathering together to rally and march. Will something good or even great come from all this?
*****
Within the complex mythology of the Aztecs, one can extract the story of Nanautzin, a god who eventually leaped into a giant fire and became the sun of the fifth kingdom. This god was known for his humility, for his many wounds, his "sores". Because he had lived such a privileged life and been given everything he ever wanted or needed (brings to mind the Buddha), he could not understand the deep feelings that surfaced for him when he was denied access to the envied fruit (gourd) of a grand tree. This brought on suffering and pain which he had never before experienced, and he discovered that through these sorrows he gained a far greater understanding of the the world, he understood and felt compassion, and love, and the many rewards that can be reaped from the healing of wounds. We are encouraged by this to open our hearts to the world, live fully and experience all that comes our way without erecting barriers. Yes, our hearts will be broken over and over again, but the heart is designed to withstand all this pain and sorrow and move us forward into lives of heartfelt living. This story resonated with me on several levels. We are often attracted to those things we don't have, or cannot have, and this tends to make our desires to own, possess, feel, touch these things even more pronounced. Then, often, when we get "them" we only experience a temporary reprieve from our deepest longings..
****
I opened my heart as best as I could while at the ruins of Teotihuacan with no expectation as to what, if anything, might come my way. The energy of the sacred place was palatable, the sky and the trees seemed to reach out to me and embrace me in profound ways. There was indeed magic. But on this particular retreat, the magic of the place was greatly enhanced by the magic of the many folks I encountered, from the celebratory mass at The Dreaming House followed by festive dancing to the warm embrace of a young man whose skin was softer than the skin of an infant. He was a fellow retreatant who felt such fear and temerity that unbeknownst to me or anyone else he was on the verge of secretly hopping in a cab and making his way to the airport when I knocked on his door to say hello and let him know that I could see him struggling through the group sessions, I could see and feel his discomfort and was there anything I could do? This is the moment when hearts opened wide and surrendered to connection.
****
Earlier this week, on my yearly drive to see my psychiatrist I noticed an unusually large buck standing on a hillock overlooking Ranch Road 12, and as I gazed in my rear view mirror I could see a doe standing on the edge of the pavement, probably getting ready to cross to the other side. I began flashing my lights on and off to the cars heading in that direction and I could feel a sinking in my heart. On my return trip as I approached this same spot, I noticed several vehicles pulled to the side of the road and I saw a man walking along the edge of the road with his cell phone in hand, and there, lying at the edge of the road where asphalt meets native grasses lay the majestic buck in a pool of blood with his proud horns reaching skyward, symbolizing his strength and prowess, his maturity, and his instinctive determination to follow the doe no matter the consequences.
****
The greatest threat to adults over the age of 65 is heart disease. Our hearts beat as much as 60,000 to 115,000 times a day, and pump 6 quarts of blood through about 12,000 miles of vessels, arteries, and capillaries every day. In the womb, our hearts are the first organ to form. We are made up of hydrogen, nitrogen, oxygen, and carbon, the most abundant materials in the universe. We are the stuff of stars and galaxies. We are made of more than 35 trillion cells. Multiply that number by 10 and you get an estimate of the number of microbial cells in/on our bodies.
****
My house guest from several years ago spent much of his time looking for a house to buy in this area so that he could have some land for horses, a good studio space to paint, a permanent home in the country to go with his new job in Austin as a Physical Therapist, and hopefully find something deep inside that was missing from his life. Things did not go well for him and after less than a year he put his house up for sale and returned from whence he came. During my short-term, complex relationship with this man he confided in me things he said he had never told anyone before, ever. The profound childhood abuse he suffered for many years at the hands of his father and older brother was almost as difficult for him to think about as it was to talk about. Very deep, dark, unrevealed secrets that had only been revealed once? to me? from this man in his 50's? I began seeing disturbances in his behavior that were the result of never processing such trauma, never allowing such deep anguish to come into the light of day. I cried out loud for him. I screamed, I wrote, I spoke, and I prodded him to seek healing, but this was not to be. In hindsight, I was perhaps trying to intervene where I should not have. Last Fall he had open heart surgery to replace his mitral valve. Last week he took his own life rather than face the darkness that manifested itself physically in his broken heart. Such sadness I feel.
****
And so I will always remember Hunter telling the group, "go out and get your hearts broken." Reach out for those things that will awaken you, know that your deepest cravings are usually not for what you think you want, but for those things that your heart knows you need. Your deepest fears and your darkest abysses are there to awaken you to a thousand moments of enlightenment.
*****
I had a dream that Hilary Clinton was dead, and her body lay on a gurney. Hunched over her on the verge of dissecting her was Donald Trump. The collective corpus of the majority of voters have felt defeat, this broad body of learned folks stunned into disbelief, reaching out to one another through comforting emails, published stories, reciting words of wisdom, gathering together to rally and march. Will something good or even great come from all this?
*****
Within the complex mythology of the Aztecs, one can extract the story of Nanautzin, a god who eventually leaped into a giant fire and became the sun of the fifth kingdom. This god was known for his humility, for his many wounds, his "sores". Because he had lived such a privileged life and been given everything he ever wanted or needed (brings to mind the Buddha), he could not understand the deep feelings that surfaced for him when he was denied access to the envied fruit (gourd) of a grand tree. This brought on suffering and pain which he had never before experienced, and he discovered that through these sorrows he gained a far greater understanding of the the world, he understood and felt compassion, and love, and the many rewards that can be reaped from the healing of wounds. We are encouraged by this to open our hearts to the world, live fully and experience all that comes our way without erecting barriers. Yes, our hearts will be broken over and over again, but the heart is designed to withstand all this pain and sorrow and move us forward into lives of heartfelt living. This story resonated with me on several levels. We are often attracted to those things we don't have, or cannot have, and this tends to make our desires to own, possess, feel, touch these things even more pronounced. Then, often, when we get "them" we only experience a temporary reprieve from our deepest longings..
****
I opened my heart as best as I could while at the ruins of Teotihuacan with no expectation as to what, if anything, might come my way. The energy of the sacred place was palatable, the sky and the trees seemed to reach out to me and embrace me in profound ways. There was indeed magic. But on this particular retreat, the magic of the place was greatly enhanced by the magic of the many folks I encountered, from the celebratory mass at The Dreaming House followed by festive dancing to the warm embrace of a young man whose skin was softer than the skin of an infant. He was a fellow retreatant who felt such fear and temerity that unbeknownst to me or anyone else he was on the verge of secretly hopping in a cab and making his way to the airport when I knocked on his door to say hello and let him know that I could see him struggling through the group sessions, I could see and feel his discomfort and was there anything I could do? This is the moment when hearts opened wide and surrendered to connection.
****
Earlier this week, on my yearly drive to see my psychiatrist I noticed an unusually large buck standing on a hillock overlooking Ranch Road 12, and as I gazed in my rear view mirror I could see a doe standing on the edge of the pavement, probably getting ready to cross to the other side. I began flashing my lights on and off to the cars heading in that direction and I could feel a sinking in my heart. On my return trip as I approached this same spot, I noticed several vehicles pulled to the side of the road and I saw a man walking along the edge of the road with his cell phone in hand, and there, lying at the edge of the road where asphalt meets native grasses lay the majestic buck in a pool of blood with his proud horns reaching skyward, symbolizing his strength and prowess, his maturity, and his instinctive determination to follow the doe no matter the consequences.
****
The greatest threat to adults over the age of 65 is heart disease. Our hearts beat as much as 60,000 to 115,000 times a day, and pump 6 quarts of blood through about 12,000 miles of vessels, arteries, and capillaries every day. In the womb, our hearts are the first organ to form. We are made up of hydrogen, nitrogen, oxygen, and carbon, the most abundant materials in the universe. We are the stuff of stars and galaxies. We are made of more than 35 trillion cells. Multiply that number by 10 and you get an estimate of the number of microbial cells in/on our bodies.
****
My house guest from several years ago spent much of his time looking for a house to buy in this area so that he could have some land for horses, a good studio space to paint, a permanent home in the country to go with his new job in Austin as a Physical Therapist, and hopefully find something deep inside that was missing from his life. Things did not go well for him and after less than a year he put his house up for sale and returned from whence he came. During my short-term, complex relationship with this man he confided in me things he said he had never told anyone before, ever. The profound childhood abuse he suffered for many years at the hands of his father and older brother was almost as difficult for him to think about as it was to talk about. Very deep, dark, unrevealed secrets that had only been revealed once? to me? from this man in his 50's? I began seeing disturbances in his behavior that were the result of never processing such trauma, never allowing such deep anguish to come into the light of day. I cried out loud for him. I screamed, I wrote, I spoke, and I prodded him to seek healing, but this was not to be. In hindsight, I was perhaps trying to intervene where I should not have. Last Fall he had open heart surgery to replace his mitral valve. Last week he took his own life rather than face the darkness that manifested itself physically in his broken heart. Such sadness I feel.
****
And so I will always remember Hunter telling the group, "go out and get your hearts broken." Reach out for those things that will awaken you, know that your deepest cravings are usually not for what you think you want, but for those things that your heart knows you need. Your deepest fears and your darkest abysses are there to awaken you to a thousand moments of enlightenment.
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