Before bed last night I practiced adho mukha vrksasana whereby I positioned props so that I could lightly touch my forehead to the prop making it relatively easy to balance in the pose with feet off the wall (hadn't practiced that way in a while), utthita trikonasana, parsvakonasana, vrksasana, uttanasana, and more. I listened to most of an interview with Douglas Keller (author, teacher, yoga therapist, and all around very nice guy) about how to forward bend intelligently (The Art of Forward Bending), which I found quite informative and will finish listening to today. Then I danced free-spiritedly and spontaneously to loud music until I broke out in a sweat. There can be such a serious side to life, to our practice, our work, our study, the way we spend our time, that it should be a priority to balance that with simple crazy fun, whatever that may be. At the very least, rest is one of the most important experiences ever.
There has been a mild struggle going on within me about enrolling in Austin Yoga Institute's Iyengar Yoga Teacher Training Program. No matter how many workshops or classes I attend, no matter how calmly and without expectation I approach them, there is always an element of anxiety that creeps in when I think about attending something that is akin to "school." Deep within is the voice that says "you are not good enough". Even though I don't buy into that, anymore, at all, it still speaks and I think it always will. There is nothing to be gained in denying this, and a lot to be learned in feeling it and letting it happen. Part of going to school since childhood through college and after was fantastic, and part of it was really scary, and everything in between. After all, how much of our time have we or do we spend in a classroom situation? I can honestly say that the really scary parts, the paralyzing parts, the parts that induce panic and intense fear are all reactions of the past, but still they remain part of who I am, forever etched into my memory of things gone by. We are who we are, and the bottom line of many aspects of ourselves remain the same. The spots on a leopard never change no matter her age or accumulated life experiences (utter dependence upon mother, playful childhood, traumatic childhood, learning to hunt, breaking away into independence, finding a mate (or not), facing hunger, many failed attempts to capture prey, and so on). We may learn to turn the volume of negativity way down, even off, but it does take some action to quiet the chatter of the what ifs as we go down the familiar path of imagining the worse. Which, by the way, can be quite helpful as the worse thing that we can imagine happening is usually that we will die, and we know that is unlikely to happen under the given circumstances we are about to place ourselves into. An answered question that brings comfort. As it turns out, I absolutely loved the program, had a great time, and feel as though I have again embarked on a journey with countless challenges and rewards.
(Dream) Monkeys hang from the large tree, leopards rest on strong branches. They are passive and safely observable. When the monkeys descend, there is a pair that begins creating chaos and havoc. They are entering the doors of surrounding rooms and there is an abundance of fear. There is a voice on a loud speaker narrating the actions of the monkeys, speaking with a confident sense of authority and with a great deal of detailed knowledge. The monkeys have entered a room and have done something bad. I close the large classroom door to prevent them from entering, only to discover that the lock on the large door is nonfunctional, the screws from the bolting mechanism are loose and falling out, making it impossible to lock the door. I notice the door, though large, is beginning to rot, but is still substantial. A leopard jumps down from the tree and is next to me, and is about to attack me, so I think. There is a threat, then no threat, then there is a threat again (first there is a mountain then there is no mountain then there is). I move away slightly and thwart the potential attack. Across the street on a large trash pile are two house cats. The leopard moves towards them and kills one of them. It is a gentle kill, but it is a kill nonetheless, the purpose to eat.
I'm thinking that from the tree of life which is strong, stable, rooted in the earth, and always growing hangs the complex duality of playfulness and deceit, elements in our lives we really cannot and should try to block from entering. We may try to close the portal, but eventually we must face these things. They will enter. We will hear them. Playfulness and not taking things too seriously is a very important attitude and action to maintain in our lives, but we must keep things balanced and return to some discipline for life cannot be all about play (nor all about work). What exactly is deceit? I think that many of the important decisions we make throughout our lives should be made using the best wisdom we have available to us at the time. Unfortunately, that wisdom is not always readily available, and we must pass through the door of many questions, and allow ourselves to wonder if we are deceiving ourselves or being truly honest, weighing one against the other, seeking that which is ultimately best for us, and this can be easy or unbelievably complex. In many ways, this is up to us. They are two sides of the same coin, and are often mistaken, one for the other. It can take time and patience. Two nearly identical cats atop a trash heap again can represent the duality of freedom/independence/creativity versus its opposite, that of feeling trapped or stagnant, unable to move forward because of indecision, misgivings or fear. All this atop a heap of trash/garbage--aspects of ourselves, our history, that has been discarded, rejected or tossed aside. Things that no longer serve our well being. But, there is wisdom inside and atop this heap of garbage because we build and grow from the many lessons learned throughout our history. The trash heap will continue to grow so long as we continue to grow, continue to process and defeat the non-truths, and allow ourselves the freedom to live freely and creatively.
Years ago when we were traveling through East Africa, my partner got very sick while we were staying in the Serengeti National Park. He encouraged me to continue touring, and that very afternoon we spotted a leopard in a tree. What a sight! He was so disappointed that he missed seeing that leopard. It has been a joke between us now for a long time that when a leopard is mentioned, I wink and remind him of how I saw a leopard and he didn't. Perhaps a leopard in my mind has come to symbolize his extraordinary fortitude and strength. No matter how difficult the situation, he remains calm and seemingly unaffected. He has inspired more than I will ever be able to fully appreciate.
*****
I've never before experienced vertigo the way I have on a few occasions during the past year. It is a dizziness that renders one completely unable to balance or function while the room spins endlessly and one stays put, close to the ground, ever so thankful for gravity. This condition is called Benign Paroxysmal Positional Vertigo aka BPPV. Little ear rocks which are small crystals of calcium carbonate (called otoconia) become dislodged from their places of residency (the utricle and saccule) in our inner ear and get into one or more of the semi-circular canals. 50% of dizziness in older people is due to BPPV, and is easily treatable with some simple maneuvers which took many centuries to discover.
Readings: Blink, The Power of Thinking Without Thinking by Malcolm Gladwell
Balance, In Search of the Lost Sense by Scott McCredie
Quiet, The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain
There has been a mild struggle going on within me about enrolling in Austin Yoga Institute's Iyengar Yoga Teacher Training Program. No matter how many workshops or classes I attend, no matter how calmly and without expectation I approach them, there is always an element of anxiety that creeps in when I think about attending something that is akin to "school." Deep within is the voice that says "you are not good enough". Even though I don't buy into that, anymore, at all, it still speaks and I think it always will. There is nothing to be gained in denying this, and a lot to be learned in feeling it and letting it happen. Part of going to school since childhood through college and after was fantastic, and part of it was really scary, and everything in between. After all, how much of our time have we or do we spend in a classroom situation? I can honestly say that the really scary parts, the paralyzing parts, the parts that induce panic and intense fear are all reactions of the past, but still they remain part of who I am, forever etched into my memory of things gone by. We are who we are, and the bottom line of many aspects of ourselves remain the same. The spots on a leopard never change no matter her age or accumulated life experiences (utter dependence upon mother, playful childhood, traumatic childhood, learning to hunt, breaking away into independence, finding a mate (or not), facing hunger, many failed attempts to capture prey, and so on). We may learn to turn the volume of negativity way down, even off, but it does take some action to quiet the chatter of the what ifs as we go down the familiar path of imagining the worse. Which, by the way, can be quite helpful as the worse thing that we can imagine happening is usually that we will die, and we know that is unlikely to happen under the given circumstances we are about to place ourselves into. An answered question that brings comfort. As it turns out, I absolutely loved the program, had a great time, and feel as though I have again embarked on a journey with countless challenges and rewards.
(Dream) Monkeys hang from the large tree, leopards rest on strong branches. They are passive and safely observable. When the monkeys descend, there is a pair that begins creating chaos and havoc. They are entering the doors of surrounding rooms and there is an abundance of fear. There is a voice on a loud speaker narrating the actions of the monkeys, speaking with a confident sense of authority and with a great deal of detailed knowledge. The monkeys have entered a room and have done something bad. I close the large classroom door to prevent them from entering, only to discover that the lock on the large door is nonfunctional, the screws from the bolting mechanism are loose and falling out, making it impossible to lock the door. I notice the door, though large, is beginning to rot, but is still substantial. A leopard jumps down from the tree and is next to me, and is about to attack me, so I think. There is a threat, then no threat, then there is a threat again (first there is a mountain then there is no mountain then there is). I move away slightly and thwart the potential attack. Across the street on a large trash pile are two house cats. The leopard moves towards them and kills one of them. It is a gentle kill, but it is a kill nonetheless, the purpose to eat.
I'm thinking that from the tree of life which is strong, stable, rooted in the earth, and always growing hangs the complex duality of playfulness and deceit, elements in our lives we really cannot and should try to block from entering. We may try to close the portal, but eventually we must face these things. They will enter. We will hear them. Playfulness and not taking things too seriously is a very important attitude and action to maintain in our lives, but we must keep things balanced and return to some discipline for life cannot be all about play (nor all about work). What exactly is deceit? I think that many of the important decisions we make throughout our lives should be made using the best wisdom we have available to us at the time. Unfortunately, that wisdom is not always readily available, and we must pass through the door of many questions, and allow ourselves to wonder if we are deceiving ourselves or being truly honest, weighing one against the other, seeking that which is ultimately best for us, and this can be easy or unbelievably complex. In many ways, this is up to us. They are two sides of the same coin, and are often mistaken, one for the other. It can take time and patience. Two nearly identical cats atop a trash heap again can represent the duality of freedom/independence/creativity versus its opposite, that of feeling trapped or stagnant, unable to move forward because of indecision, misgivings or fear. All this atop a heap of trash/garbage--aspects of ourselves, our history, that has been discarded, rejected or tossed aside. Things that no longer serve our well being. But, there is wisdom inside and atop this heap of garbage because we build and grow from the many lessons learned throughout our history. The trash heap will continue to grow so long as we continue to grow, continue to process and defeat the non-truths, and allow ourselves the freedom to live freely and creatively. Years ago when we were traveling through East Africa, my partner got very sick while we were staying in the Serengeti National Park. He encouraged me to continue touring, and that very afternoon we spotted a leopard in a tree. What a sight! He was so disappointed that he missed seeing that leopard. It has been a joke between us now for a long time that when a leopard is mentioned, I wink and remind him of how I saw a leopard and he didn't. Perhaps a leopard in my mind has come to symbolize his extraordinary fortitude and strength. No matter how difficult the situation, he remains calm and seemingly unaffected. He has inspired more than I will ever be able to fully appreciate.
*****
I've never before experienced vertigo the way I have on a few occasions during the past year. It is a dizziness that renders one completely unable to balance or function while the room spins endlessly and one stays put, close to the ground, ever so thankful for gravity. This condition is called Benign Paroxysmal Positional Vertigo aka BPPV. Little ear rocks which are small crystals of calcium carbonate (called otoconia) become dislodged from their places of residency (the utricle and saccule) in our inner ear and get into one or more of the semi-circular canals. 50% of dizziness in older people is due to BPPV, and is easily treatable with some simple maneuvers which took many centuries to discover.
Readings: Blink, The Power of Thinking Without Thinking by Malcolm Gladwell
Balance, In Search of the Lost Sense by Scott McCredie
Quiet, The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain
