I'm sitting in a waiting lounge, in north Austin, at a car dealership, surrounded by 3 flat screen TV's, each one turned on. I can hear an unpleasant cacophony of sounds --cell phones, an intercom system broadcasting dialog, a crying baby, the voices of office workers in cubicles, the ssshhhwww of the cappuccino machine. In a mild, non-panicky sort of way, I can't wait to get the hell out of here. The lounge has bright red chairs and love seats atop a dull gray wall to wall carpet, brown grass paper contrasted with stark white walls, a sea of glass, a coffee bar with an assortment of goodies--caff, decaff, chocolates, ice cold beverages, cinnamon rolls. If there was grass nearby, I'd go sit on it. I'm waiting for this coaster looking device to start blinking red and vibrating and in general going totally berserk to signal that the car is serviced. I've been fantasizing about yoga retreats for this spring or early summer, set in the mountains, with secluded hiking trails, or on a beach, with the sound of rolling waves lulling me into total relaxation, guided meditations, a deep tissue massage, which reminds me of something I read last year regarding touch:
Unfortunately, we are a touch-starved culture. The deep wounds we suffer from the harsh, often brutal touch of caregivers--the wound of unlove--spirals outward and pervades the whole of our society, creating an epidemic--the fear of touch. However, true touch, when it comes from the heart, possesses profoundly healing qualities, and when we are able to both give and receive heart-felt physical affection from another, deep understanding and healing begins. Caplan writes:
"though we cannot heal the soul-wound by an affectionate pat on the back, for those who have felt unloved all of their lives, a small act of kindness can shake their whole perspective about who they are in the world. Touch, when done with heart, is always healing--period. Whether given by a trained professional or a nervous friend, IT HEALS."
Many of us suffer from not having true, intimate, connective bonds with others; all too often touch is merely a prelude to sex, so fear sets in and we frown upon touch. "TrueTouch"--that which comes from the heart, helps to counteract the effects of *damaging touch*....I like the book "Untouched, the Need for Genuine Affection in an Impersonal World" by Mariana Caplan.
Early one morning in a hospital setting I awakened to the sound of relentless pounding. Why would workers be busy at work long before dawn when everyone was fast asleep? In these kinds of settings, you are drawn to certain people for inexplicable reasons, a kind of fast friendship that gets you through your stay. At least that's my personal experience. Turns out it was my new friend and she was pounding her head against the wall, and the proof wasn't
pretty. She couldn't stop one of her selves from doing this. Such a condition used to be called multiple personality disorder and was/is very difficult for professionals to diagnose. Remember the book scripted into a movie called Cybil? The condition is now mostly called dissociative identity disorder. When the child has suffered severe abuse, and usually such abuse is inclusive of unspeakable acts of cruelty--mentally, physically, and sexually--the need to escape into a newly formed personality(s) who cannot feel the pain is created, and this is totally understandable. If you ever meet such people you may get your heart ripped out. You may want to love and save them. If you get very involved with them they may unknowingly screw with your mind and your heart until you just KNOW the only choice before you is to walk away. Usually, after you've tried your best to lead them toward some source of healing, you come to realize your own weaknesses and flaws. There seems to be a universal law that says when you begin playing the role of savior, you are playing a game of self righteousness doomed to come to naught. Such dissociative personalities, in my experience, are often highly narcissistic, from a pathological point of view. You love them, you feel for them, you show them compassion; however, the lies, the deceit, the manipulations, the very craziness of the dissociative personalities has the potential to wreak havoc on he who chooses to play caregiver. There's an inability of the narcissist to escape from his own prison of self-centeredness, and in the end, you count for nothing. Such has been my experience and I know there are exceptions. No two people are alike, no two syndromes or illness are totally alike. I find it fascinating. It's yet another facet of the bejeweled and beguiling human condition.
I like to recall how important and healing it can be to be touched by others, and also to touch others, in an appropriate and healthy manner. Mostly I'm talking about hugs. For some people, this can be extremely frightening when they might have a history of being touched from a place of "unlove." It may feel really yucky to them. It's important to learn to read people's body language, to try to hone in on what they may or may not be saying to you, to always honor and respect boundaries. But for goodness sakes, if someone makes a gesture of openness that's an invitation to a hug, and you just know it's a good thing, go for it. It can be healing. It's a complex proposition to fully understand the language of the body, both our own and that of others, but sometimes a basic understanding can be of tremendous value.
I can't seem to make this link work, so just google "you tube video hugs" or "free hugs campaign" and watch this very popular video on hugs.
Unfortunately, we are a touch-starved culture. The deep wounds we suffer from the harsh, often brutal touch of caregivers--the wound of unlove--spirals outward and pervades the whole of our society, creating an epidemic--the fear of touch. However, true touch, when it comes from the heart, possesses profoundly healing qualities, and when we are able to both give and receive heart-felt physical affection from another, deep understanding and healing begins. Caplan writes:
"though we cannot heal the soul-wound by an affectionate pat on the back, for those who have felt unloved all of their lives, a small act of kindness can shake their whole perspective about who they are in the world. Touch, when done with heart, is always healing--period. Whether given by a trained professional or a nervous friend, IT HEALS."
Many of us suffer from not having true, intimate, connective bonds with others; all too often touch is merely a prelude to sex, so fear sets in and we frown upon touch. "TrueTouch"--that which comes from the heart, helps to counteract the effects of *damaging touch*....I like the book "Untouched, the Need for Genuine Affection in an Impersonal World" by Mariana Caplan.
Early one morning in a hospital setting I awakened to the sound of relentless pounding. Why would workers be busy at work long before dawn when everyone was fast asleep? In these kinds of settings, you are drawn to certain people for inexplicable reasons, a kind of fast friendship that gets you through your stay. At least that's my personal experience. Turns out it was my new friend and she was pounding her head against the wall, and the proof wasn't
pretty. She couldn't stop one of her selves from doing this. Such a condition used to be called multiple personality disorder and was/is very difficult for professionals to diagnose. Remember the book scripted into a movie called Cybil? The condition is now mostly called dissociative identity disorder. When the child has suffered severe abuse, and usually such abuse is inclusive of unspeakable acts of cruelty--mentally, physically, and sexually--the need to escape into a newly formed personality(s) who cannot feel the pain is created, and this is totally understandable. If you ever meet such people you may get your heart ripped out. You may want to love and save them. If you get very involved with them they may unknowingly screw with your mind and your heart until you just KNOW the only choice before you is to walk away. Usually, after you've tried your best to lead them toward some source of healing, you come to realize your own weaknesses and flaws. There seems to be a universal law that says when you begin playing the role of savior, you are playing a game of self righteousness doomed to come to naught. Such dissociative personalities, in my experience, are often highly narcissistic, from a pathological point of view. You love them, you feel for them, you show them compassion; however, the lies, the deceit, the manipulations, the very craziness of the dissociative personalities has the potential to wreak havoc on he who chooses to play caregiver. There's an inability of the narcissist to escape from his own prison of self-centeredness, and in the end, you count for nothing. Such has been my experience and I know there are exceptions. No two people are alike, no two syndromes or illness are totally alike. I find it fascinating. It's yet another facet of the bejeweled and beguiling human condition.
I like to recall how important and healing it can be to be touched by others, and also to touch others, in an appropriate and healthy manner. Mostly I'm talking about hugs. For some people, this can be extremely frightening when they might have a history of being touched from a place of "unlove." It may feel really yucky to them. It's important to learn to read people's body language, to try to hone in on what they may or may not be saying to you, to always honor and respect boundaries. But for goodness sakes, if someone makes a gesture of openness that's an invitation to a hug, and you just know it's a good thing, go for it. It can be healing. It's a complex proposition to fully understand the language of the body, both our own and that of others, but sometimes a basic understanding can be of tremendous value.
I can't seem to make this link work, so just google "you tube video hugs" or "free hugs campaign" and watch this very popular video on hugs.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vr3x_RRJdd4
The coaster just went berserk. Time to get the hell out of here.
The coaster just went berserk. Time to get the hell out of here.
