Old Towne Dubrovnik

Our apartment here in Old Towne, Dubrovnik, is old, cluttered, and noisy!  Updated with modern conveniences, yes, but still, an old air charm that doesn't quite work for me.  Two more days of leisurely sightseeing then we fly back to Barcelona where we board the ship for 16 days of cruising the Mediterranean followed by a transatlantic crossing.  I loved Barcelona.  I imagine going back, renting an apartment long term, studying Spanish, and visiting the Iyengar Yoga Center regularly.  It is a city of 1.3 million, but well organized with beautiful old buildings, long tree lined avenues, extremely pedestrian friendly.  Almost anywhere in the city you are within a few blocks of just about everything you would need--grocery stores, banks, cafes, shops. There is really no distinction between commercial and residential, it is all combined, as are most European cities.  Parks everywhere, museums, galleries, with no shortage of interesting things to do and see.  And, not so very expensive.  It is so very vibrant, alive, and friendly.  Very different here in Dubrovnik.  In general, I get the impression that the employees and proprietors of stores and restaurants seem annoyed and unhappy, possibly because the place is so densely packed with tourists--from outside the old town, from ships, and from those of us staying within her walls.  And to imagine, we are well past the height of the the tourist season! I just don't get a positive vibe at all.  The hustle and bustle in the old town may be different from outlying areas, I don't know.  Yesterday we finally found the Dominican Monastery that seemed so elusive.  It was very quiet there, with no other tourists at all.  A complete refuge.  No wonder it was hard to find.  It was nice to just sit and feel the silence.  Today and tomorrow we have a long list of things to see--the Synagogue Museum, the home of Marin Drzic, the former convent of St.Clair, the Church of St. Saviour, a Franciscan Monastery, St. Blaise Church, the Rector's Palace, and more, or not.  Maybe more than one gelato break, as they are everywhere. 

Time to eat breakfast and get moving. 

Bits of Barcelona

It is so nice to get away from all the politics of home.  I will be very disappointed if Obama loses.  Barcelona is a fascinating city, there is so much to do and see, it's a matter of picking and choosing, somewhat randomly.  It rained most of the day but we managed to see Gaudi's absolutely fascinating Cathedral as well as Barcelona Cathedral.  Such a fascinating architectural contrast.  We have many more things to see, but we are taking it all in stride, moving slowly and not rushing anything.  I've arranged a 90 minute massage tomorrow afternoon after a full morning of touring.  We rented a lovely 3 bedroom apartment right next to the old town (Gothic), in Eixample.  Very nice and comfortable and spacious, and we can prepare our own food when we want.  Neighborhood food markets, bakeries, fruit and vegetable stalls, and cafes are in abundance.  Taxi fare is reasonable, and they are easy to find.  The city seems very alive and vibrant.  There are a couple of Iyengar Studios here I hope to visit.  After six nights here we fly to Dubrovnik via Vienna to an apartment we've rented in the Old Towne.  Then we cruise the Mediterranean, revisiting Seville and Lisbon, and seeing Madeira for the first time.  Afterwards, a transatlantic crossing.  All in all in a longer trip than usual for us, but leisurely and slow paced.  Nicole Rodriguez is taking care of the house and the cats.  I already miss my cats but get regular updates.  Off to bed!

Fractured and Running

I went to a memorial service this weekend for a friend who recently succumbed to the suicidal impulse.  This impulse can be overwhelmingly powerful among those who suffer from bipolar illness, especially when one has been experiencing a particularly powerful, sustained manic episode.  Sleep deprivation can have fatal consequences.  This young man did everything right, well almost everything.  He was in tip top physical condition, he did yoga, he went through yoga teacher training, he dedicated himself to meditation practice, had a Buddhist master under which he studied, took the bodhisatva vow, saw a therapist, belonged to various groups--Buddhist, Sufi, music, poetry, support.  He had a wide circle of friends who loved him dearly.  He was a massage therapist who created a unique method he called Guided Release Therapy, in which he guided his clients through a methodical, hands on approach towards achieving a deep, meditative state of relaxation/release.  He was a bright spirit, he gave of himself, he went about living life fully.  He was remarkable, and it was an honor to know him and work with him.

In the case of bipolar illness, one must follow medical protocol and get stabilized on medication in order to achieve a stable foundation on which to function, to chemically control the imbalances that are occurring in the brain. Even though this often is not an easy task, and, unfortunately, in some cases may take months, even years, this is a cardinal rule.  Improving diet, meditating, staying healthy, avoiding alcohol, doing yoga--these are feats of accomplishment to be greatly admired.  But they will not "beat" or "overcome" the illness.  It must be treated professionally by a skilled psychopharmacologist.  I recently took a workshop with George Purvis, a senior Iyengar teacher who has so much to teach.  He told us that a number of years ago he was diagnosed with advanced stage melanoma.  The prognosis for this is not good.  His doctors prescribed an aggressive treatment program that left him exhausted and weak.  His students, and others, asked, why are you not doing yoga, or using yoga to treat yourself?  His doctors told him if he didn't follow the outlined, aggressive treatment program he would be dead in a matter of months.  So he did not do yoga for a prolonged period of time.  In truth, he was doing yoga the whole time, because he clearly had developed a keen intelligence (buddhi) that guided him in the direction that resulted in conquering this aggressive cancer through "correct" thinking.  The bipolar sufferer, when in a state of chemical imbalance, cannot think clearly.  In fact, some move into states of psychosis.  Good judgment flies out the window.  The pain endured by these sufferers can be profound.  The impulse to end it all can be irresistible.

I mourn the loss of my friend, I grieve, I cry, I place flowers at the memorial created at the entrance to his house, I light a candle, I remember his sweetness and tender heart, his beauty.  I feel deep empathy for his suffering.  Then, I move into anger, which I believe is appropriate, healthy, therapeutic.  We must make room for all feelings that come up.  I'm angry that he killed himself, especially in such a violent manner.  I'm angry that he didn't take better care of himself in a way that might have prevented this.  I'm angry that he left so many people behind who love him dearly and who suffer from his loss.  After the anger will come forgiveness.  I am almost there.  We do our best, and that is all we can do.  And sometimes, that just isn't enough.  Sometimes we fail ourselves.  Sometimes the systems, our systems, our most keenly developed intelligence, fails us.  And that is just how it is, and ultimately it's all okay.

Recommended reading:  Kay Redfield Jamison, "Night Falls Fast (understanding suicide)"
                                        B.K.S. Iyengar, "Light on Life"

      

Sweet Joshua

May the melody of your song forever be heard by all who knew you.  May you rest peacefully.  Thank you for sharing.  Our paths intersected only briefly on this often, very difficult journey, but I was deeply touched by your loving, kind spirit. 

Dinosaurs of the Past and the Present

A therapist once told me that when we express our anger in an honest, calm, appropriate manner, we will find the experience empowering.    No doubt anger is one of the most complex emotions we as humans deal with.  Of course we learn more about ourselves when we scrutinize our anger, but expressing our anger as above stated also has the potential of being a significant learning experience for the person to whom we are expressing our anger (or not).  Defining anger in itself can be a challenge, there are so many degrees of anger, from cold, passive, hostile to raging, maniacal, out of control.  No doubt, suppression of anger will inevitably lead to an explosion, and that is not the best way to deal with this powerful emotion.  I have a neighbor who is about as different from me as is imaginable.  He's military retired, Vietnam veteran, Republican, right wing, conservative, hog hunter, foul-mouthed.  I can live with that.  I have kept my mouth shut when he comes on to our property (invited) carrying his pistol.  I have said nothing when he makes racial slurs, or belittles groups of people.   Instead, what I have done in my "neighborly relationship" with him is try to look past all the ignorance, the bigoted remarks, and yet remain true to myself in that I don't agree with him on things he says, I don't pretend to be anyone other than who I am, but clearly there are many topics that are never brought up in the course of our conversations (i.e. things of interest to me!).  If I say something about yoga, he goes dead silent.  Still, he definitely has a curiosity going on with me.  He does try to bring up topics that many would find taboo.  Sometimes I think he is aiming to shock, which doesn't happen with me.  This man has some very good qualities.  He mows up and down the street, both sides, and our street is one mile long.  He has repaired our tractor mower, chainsaw, come to my aid and fixed my fence when someone crashed through it.  He helps all the neighbors (who will allow it) with mowing, chipping, cutting down trees, creating fire barriers, and much more.  I believe he would do just about anything he could to help me if I were in trouble.  He's a real character, quite the bossy type, wants to be in control.  In many ways I like him and try hard to be tolerant and accepting of his "type" which is not a whole lot different from my maternal grandfather.

I dreamt of seeing a mouse at the bottom of long, dark, tubular hole in the ground.  His eyes were glowing.   Tunnels or holes in the ground usually mean we are are hiding or repressing something, perhaps our assertiveness?  A mouse can represent our, well, mousy qualities, hidden away, quiet, repressed, withdrawn.  Bright glowing eyes may indicate seeing, awareness, even in darkness, the "I" within us has the ability to see--intelligence. 

And so today my anger came gushing out when I received yet another in a string of political, anti-Obama cartoons and other such offensive emails.  I wrote back to him and spelled out in no uncertain terms my political and religious views which are extremely liberal.  Do I feel empowered?  Not really, just a little nervous that maybe he will shoot me.  Just kidding.  I do feel unsettled inside.  Uncomfortable that I put so much of myself out there.  Perhaps I feel vulnerable.  But I do see how I was really NOT being true to myself when in the moment I didn't speak my mind.  After all, many of his statements are extraordinarily offensive.  So I'm sitting here writing about it, thinking about it, and deep down inside I know I've done the right thing.  Doing the right thing doesn't always make us feel good in the short term.  It may make us uneasy when we feel forced to reveal our truer natures to someone who is so radically different from us.  But we are all connected on some deeper level, right?  In truth, the man really likes me, I can tell.  If I were to go with the flow, we would be spending a great deal of time together, which is the last thing I want.  It has been an interesting experience.  Since I spoke out (albeit in a mousy way) in an email rather than in person, I haven't heard a word from him.  I'm not surprised.

I've been thinking of obstacles, those things that daily get in our way, but how many of these obstacles are illusions?  How many of these obstacles have we created?  What obstacles do we experience that make us feel we need to hide or repress ourselves, our feelings and emotions?  Fear of judgment, ridicule, shame, nonacceptance, and ultimately, fear of not being loved?  Yes. 

So I'm sitting in the opened door of a helicopter flying above a sloping, dry, somewhat barren landscape in which numerous fires line the ground below in the shapes of many disconnected arteries and veins.  Suddenly the helicopter bumps into a giant (yes, like Jack in the Beanstalk), but the collision is of no significance, and we continue on our way, no problem. 

When we examine our lives, there will be times when we are cynical, pessimistic, when life seems somewhat barren and dry.  But inside, if our internal fires of transformation are burning, if we continue to study ourselves, to examine things,  if the blood coursing through or veins is alive with the fire of illumination, of purification, if our life blood is on fire so to speak, then obstacles that may once have caused us to come crashing down to earth may only be momentary bumps in our journey, and soon we may again look at the landscape of our lives and see things very differently, and all this can change from moment to moment in our daily musings and interactions with others.  Similarly, in another dream, a group of dinosaurs came bursting through the top of a glass building which was under construction, causing many workers to fall to their deaths, and when these huge beasts of a bygone era came running directly towards me, face to face, I dived into my car and they moved overhead causing no damage whatsoever.  Old issues will always be with us in some form or another, but they need not have any effect on our daily lives if we face them head on.  This is the way of healing. 

I was talking to a friend this weekend, and learned of her collection of phobias.  One of the most common phobia is a fear of flying, which in today's world can be quite an obstacle if one has the desire to travel to far away lands and interact with other societies and cultures, which can be profoundly enriching, or even visit friends or family a state or more away.  When this particular fear controls our actions, from my perspective it is most definitely an obstacle.  I was really touched by this woman, and her sharing with me, and others, so openly, of her fear of flying.  I understand this fear intimately.  My history is filled with phobias, a collection of them, that at times rendered me unable to function in a variety of settings.  A fear of flying, a fear of heights, of high bridges and high buildings, of riding in elevators, of riding up an escalator, a fear of speaking in any public situation, including the classroom, a fear and deep shame of my body and letting anyone see me unclothed.  As a child, I would not go out in public unless the top collar of my shirt was buttoned and my arms covered with long sleeves.  Some of these fears are not so very controlling, while others are.  One avoids all sorts of situations.  My worst phobia, the one that most controlled my life and behavior for many years, was a fear of public restrooms.  I would go into total panic mode if I had to use a public restroom.  Sitting through a movie was outrageously difficult, and my fear of needing to use the restroom would be so strong and powerful that I often found I had no idea what was going on on-screen.  At one point in my life I decided to essentially stop drinking liquids, as much as possible, and I got sick.  That was not an answer, but more of a cry for help.  The answer lies in going directly into the heart of the fear, the core of the fear, and dealing with it head on.  This process may take many years and diving deep into these dark, hidden recesses.  This is not so easily done alone, and I don't recommend that (going alone).  The good news:  these phobias can be overcome, and with this comes inexpressible liberation.

Fear and anger can be deeply intertwined.  Unresolved, they can cause so much disturbance in our lives that we often feel so overwhelmed that we decide to end it all.  That of course is not a solution.  The solution lies in self-study, self-examination, digging, probing the depths, reaching out, seeking, reading, talking, finding those whom we can trust, finding people who can teach us and lead us, but they must be people who truly care about us and the work they are doing.  We quickly learn how we are so much not alone in our fears, or in our despair, or in our debilitating phobias.  The truth is, we can overcome.  We can prevail and be victorious in our personal battles with our demons.  Through self-love, self-acceptance, community, and sharing, we can find a great deal of emancipation.