I see a wall of darkness, black space, and nothing else except the following: contained within or upon this dark wall in the upper half, perhaps not centered but positioned to the left of center, is a small box, a rectangle. It is not black, but it is abstract and very much in contrast to the blackness. What it is becomes abundantly clear--it is anger. My anger. I get the message loud and clear--go there and explore this anger.
So...I have been dealing with a lot of anger lately and although the ride has been rough and rocky, I know I have to face this difficult emotion head on and process it, learn from it, examine it, feel it. I know that if I don't do these things, the anger will linger, it will fluctuate, it will sneak up on me and push me around and control me in ways I do not like. So why this anger? Where is it coming from? What is triggering it? Always begin at the beginning. When you grow up in a home where there is both physical and psychological abuse, alcoholism, and an abundance of crazy anger and, at times, utter chaos, it is not a lot different from suffering from PTSD. Your psyche ends up being bruised and beaten, and if you continue acting out the cycle you end up living the life you inherited from your parents (or one that maintains many of the same dysfunctional characteristics). You have to break out of all these patterns that you have observed since birth. You have to spend years unlearning behaviors that played a significant role in your formation as a personality. No matter how much success you have achieved in doing this, how liberated you have become from the chains of your past, no matter how deep you have delved into it all, there is always some scar tissue left that can get peeled back leaving you feeling raw and vulnerable and flooded with emotions, anger certainly being one of them.
I am always surprised when people tell me that they perceive of me as a sweet, soft spoken person with a gentle nature, a big heart. If this perception of me is true of most people, then clearly I am putting out a vibe of vulnerability. This can be good because I find people wanting to confide in me, and trusting me, and for some inexplicable reason aggressive bully types tend to keep away. Every once in a while someone will come along who senses all this and will latch on to me and before I thoroughly realize it, I am being subtly manipulated, acted out upon (including sexual misconduct and inappropriate promiscuity), being used like a sponge to absorb a multitude of negative outlooks, dissatisfactions, criticisms of others, persistent pessimism, countless complaints and unwavering whining. I find myself somewhat unwillingly (mea culpa) playing the role of arbitrator, playing the role of caretaker, playing the role of therapist, of the one who listens but doesn't get listened to. In other words, relationships in which there is no reciprocity. In actuality, this can be a good thing for both of us if I am interacting with someone who has a strong sense of who they are, they have self-awareness and have gained, through work, a certain self-mastery over their issues. But every once in a while, less and less often as I mature, someone will come along who has been so long in the habit of disguising themselves not only from others, but disguising themselves from themselves, that their actions begin to slowly unravel before me and I see an inner chaos, an inner being that is in many lost in knowing how to be in the world, how to behave in an appropriate, loving, caring manner, in a respectful and responsible manner. Often these people have really big, sweet, gentle natures, but all too often it is a masquerade. They crave intimate attention and intimate connection but when it comes down to it, they are like lost lambs. Sweet lambs get eaten by their own inner wolf, with whom they have not confronted, and show up again as a wolf in sheepskin rather than a lamb who has tamed the wolf. Perhaps that is a strange metaphor. In essence, they have not done much work. This may not be from not trying, this is not always clear to me. Perhaps the damage is so severe that all they can do is try. Perhaps doors haven't opened or perhaps they have been afraid to open doors. These are not bad people, they are people that are doing what they learned from childhood. But, as I have written before, they can wreak a lot of chaos in their relationships with others. Intentional or unintentional, you learn over time that they haven't really ever listened to you, they haven't actually heard much of anything you said, they don't really know you at all because all the while they have been held hostage to their own segregated thought patterns and emotions whose self interplay disallows the ability to truly connect with others and with self. It can be quite shocking when you learn they haven't been listening to you for months, for years. They throw out bits and pieces that leave you dumbfounded. You suddenly begin to see with clarity this false self that has been in control of them most of the time. You witness their inappropriate behavior that repeats itself like a broken record and yet they are clearly incapable of doing anything about it. There is a great sadness to be a witness to this, but this is life and one must learn that there is much that is beyond us to change in others. We can accept this, we can vainly try to change it, we can walk away from it after giving our all.
A stranger with a big smile on his face wearing rather ragged clothes walked up to me in the parking lot as I was leading my dog to the car. We stopped and as Mikio began smelling this man's leg, he reached into his pocket. Don't worry, he said to Mikio, I will not harm your master. (No, he was not reaching for a gun). He pulled out a card that he handed to me. It was the identification of a six pound Chihuahua! Really. He is my guide dog, he informed me. I suffer from PTSD, and when I begin having a flashback, he goes into action and pulls me out of it and into the moment. He told me that while in the grocery store, for example, if he heard someone arguing he had to leave the situation immediately because of the flood of overwhelming emotions that arise, that get triggered. The same thing used to happen to me I told him. I understand the fear. I truly understand. I leave with a sense of sadness and at the same time a sense of triumph. We can overcome through understanding, forgiveness of others and self, and through the development of a strong sense of awareness.
So...I have been dealing with a lot of anger lately and although the ride has been rough and rocky, I know I have to face this difficult emotion head on and process it, learn from it, examine it, feel it. I know that if I don't do these things, the anger will linger, it will fluctuate, it will sneak up on me and push me around and control me in ways I do not like. So why this anger? Where is it coming from? What is triggering it? Always begin at the beginning. When you grow up in a home where there is both physical and psychological abuse, alcoholism, and an abundance of crazy anger and, at times, utter chaos, it is not a lot different from suffering from PTSD. Your psyche ends up being bruised and beaten, and if you continue acting out the cycle you end up living the life you inherited from your parents (or one that maintains many of the same dysfunctional characteristics). You have to break out of all these patterns that you have observed since birth. You have to spend years unlearning behaviors that played a significant role in your formation as a personality. No matter how much success you have achieved in doing this, how liberated you have become from the chains of your past, no matter how deep you have delved into it all, there is always some scar tissue left that can get peeled back leaving you feeling raw and vulnerable and flooded with emotions, anger certainly being one of them.
I am always surprised when people tell me that they perceive of me as a sweet, soft spoken person with a gentle nature, a big heart. If this perception of me is true of most people, then clearly I am putting out a vibe of vulnerability. This can be good because I find people wanting to confide in me, and trusting me, and for some inexplicable reason aggressive bully types tend to keep away. Every once in a while someone will come along who senses all this and will latch on to me and before I thoroughly realize it, I am being subtly manipulated, acted out upon (including sexual misconduct and inappropriate promiscuity), being used like a sponge to absorb a multitude of negative outlooks, dissatisfactions, criticisms of others, persistent pessimism, countless complaints and unwavering whining. I find myself somewhat unwillingly (mea culpa) playing the role of arbitrator, playing the role of caretaker, playing the role of therapist, of the one who listens but doesn't get listened to. In other words, relationships in which there is no reciprocity. In actuality, this can be a good thing for both of us if I am interacting with someone who has a strong sense of who they are, they have self-awareness and have gained, through work, a certain self-mastery over their issues. But every once in a while, less and less often as I mature, someone will come along who has been so long in the habit of disguising themselves not only from others, but disguising themselves from themselves, that their actions begin to slowly unravel before me and I see an inner chaos, an inner being that is in many lost in knowing how to be in the world, how to behave in an appropriate, loving, caring manner, in a respectful and responsible manner. Often these people have really big, sweet, gentle natures, but all too often it is a masquerade. They crave intimate attention and intimate connection but when it comes down to it, they are like lost lambs. Sweet lambs get eaten by their own inner wolf, with whom they have not confronted, and show up again as a wolf in sheepskin rather than a lamb who has tamed the wolf. Perhaps that is a strange metaphor. In essence, they have not done much work. This may not be from not trying, this is not always clear to me. Perhaps the damage is so severe that all they can do is try. Perhaps doors haven't opened or perhaps they have been afraid to open doors. These are not bad people, they are people that are doing what they learned from childhood. But, as I have written before, they can wreak a lot of chaos in their relationships with others. Intentional or unintentional, you learn over time that they haven't really ever listened to you, they haven't actually heard much of anything you said, they don't really know you at all because all the while they have been held hostage to their own segregated thought patterns and emotions whose self interplay disallows the ability to truly connect with others and with self. It can be quite shocking when you learn they haven't been listening to you for months, for years. They throw out bits and pieces that leave you dumbfounded. You suddenly begin to see with clarity this false self that has been in control of them most of the time. You witness their inappropriate behavior that repeats itself like a broken record and yet they are clearly incapable of doing anything about it. There is a great sadness to be a witness to this, but this is life and one must learn that there is much that is beyond us to change in others. We can accept this, we can vainly try to change it, we can walk away from it after giving our all.
A stranger with a big smile on his face wearing rather ragged clothes walked up to me in the parking lot as I was leading my dog to the car. We stopped and as Mikio began smelling this man's leg, he reached into his pocket. Don't worry, he said to Mikio, I will not harm your master. (No, he was not reaching for a gun). He pulled out a card that he handed to me. It was the identification of a six pound Chihuahua! Really. He is my guide dog, he informed me. I suffer from PTSD, and when I begin having a flashback, he goes into action and pulls me out of it and into the moment. He told me that while in the grocery store, for example, if he heard someone arguing he had to leave the situation immediately because of the flood of overwhelming emotions that arise, that get triggered. The same thing used to happen to me I told him. I understand the fear. I truly understand. I leave with a sense of sadness and at the same time a sense of triumph. We can overcome through understanding, forgiveness of others and self, and through the development of a strong sense of awareness.
