Dissolving Knots and Melting Away Nails

After practice yesterday I had a great massage, a Jeff combo special extreme. Laying on my stomach, I went into a deep relaxation, perhaps a trance. I saw my back covered with giant nails (best description is railroad spikes). This was not a painful image or a disturbing one, no blood, just a series of spikes holding my body down, and as Jeff continued to massage me the spikes disintegrated, releasing their hold. It was a sweet, pleasant image yet one that expressed intensity. Imagine actually being nailed down with railroad spikes penetrating your body--pretty awful. But in my image the spikes were painless. When we relax our minds and our bodies, we can release all the nails of tension that keep us nailed down, that keep us held in place and stuck, that keep us face down and free from seeing, free from moving into understanding. For more than a few weeks now I've been struggling to understand a relationship that I don't fully understand. It seems to defy definition, understanding, and at times, healthy boundaries. I needed to let it go, I needed to be free from it for the time being--all this within myself. I felt hurt and angry and these feelings cause my mind to get stuck in creating scenarios that are little more than illusions that seek to release the pain. They are like illusory whirlwinds that take off and gain strength in an instant before I realize I have the capacity to stop them before they take on too much of a life of their own. Again and again when I realize that I'm not feeling loved in the world, that I'm feeling unworthy of love, it helps me understand that the pain I'm feeling comes from old wounds and has been triggered by an outside event that usually has very little to do with what's swirling around within me. However, we do need to pay close attention to those people in our lives who may indeed have a tendency to disregard our boundaries, or whose actions don't jibe with their words (and vice versa). Human nature is so complex and when we try to nail down someone else's behavior we might only end up in knots ourselves. Sometimes, not always, it's best to just let go, stop the whirlwinds of illusion, and let the nails come out, and from this place we are more free in choosing what serves us best.

Underlining the Underlying

I often find myself, while reading a book, grabbing a pencil or highliter and underlining nearly every sentence I've just read with the thought: I must come back to this--it really speaks to me, there are many layers of meaning here that warrant further exploration. Bringing Yoga to Life by Donna Farhi is one such book. For example, in her chapter The Freedom of Discipline, she talks about the importance of learning to channel our energies by "increasing our tolerance for staying in the pause between desire and satisfaction." Staying in that place between wanting and getting or doing. I've been applying this pause to so many things of late and the outcome is simply wonderful. It allows for things to just unfold without me interfering, interjecting, projecting, and in general trying to control or manipulate things, even with the very best of intentions, whether I believe I'm being appropriately assertive or not. There is a gentleness in this that I like very much. Not knowing what to do is a dilemma many of us find ourselves in, as well as not knowing what to say, when to say it, whether to say it at all when confronted with difficult situations. Yes, the avoidance of conflict altogether is not a very realistic approach to living--after all, conflict of one kind or another is a fact of life--but fully understanding and seeing that fine line that divides *into action* vs *pause* is difficult for many of us to define. Staying in pause mode can bring the clarity we are looking for, and oftentimes that clarity unfolds before us while we are in a state of pause, and resolution comes to fruition while we observe. This is NOT to say we shouldn't actively participate in our lives nor does it promote procrastination. What it does say is that the habitual reacting that may have been with us for a long time may be a behavior that needs to be carefully examined. Farhi writes that the Latin root for discipline is disciplina which means knowledge, or enlightenment. Discipline sometimes has a negative connotation, but when put in the context of an action that brings knowledge and insight into who we really are, it helps to push us to show up to the yoga mat or the meditation cushion, or just get out and work at getting and finding whatever we need in a manner that is skillful and guided by discernment. Pausing can be as simple as wanting to tell a stranger in a yoga class that his behavior is insulting to the teacher and violates yoga etiquette and tradition (not paying attention to the teacher, talking so that other students cannot hear the teacher, physically adjusting a fellow student, etc.) But when you pause from saying anything and moments later learn he is the spouse and/or best friend of the teacher it's a confirmation that the pause served you quite well!! Action that is anger based, or controlling based, or care taking orientated is best kept in the pause mode. Pause doesn't mean stop permanently, it just means slow down and be very mindful before stepping in to shape or control a situation. I really do like this whole pause concept. I'm underlining Pause and examining its many underlying meanings and applications in my life.

The Falling of a Teardrop--"Just a Little Green"

To account for his distance, J told me life had been throwing him some curve balls. That's what life does, I said, it likes to throw things at us and pull us in all sorts of directions, leaving us dizzy and sometimes sick, and therefore not always as available as we would like to be. We all need time to process, to be alone to ponder and wonder. Sometimes we are lied to, people try to engage us in scurrilous gossip and sometimes we succumb and are sucked right into that vortex. We try to untangle all the little injustices laid at our feet, set the record straight, let the truth be known. We get caught up in the web and are devoured by the stories. Hooked, as Chodran calls it. Just hooked in a nano second, before we've had time to just step back and take a deep breath. This stepping back is not easy, nor is it withdrawing. There is an element of detachment but by no means void of empathy. We seek a sense of objectivity without being an actor in a play written by someone else. A play that might be tragic, absurd, or sad, and mostly quite irrelevant to what we want to be engaged in. So we begin learning to script the plays that bring richness to our lives but this doesn't mean building a wall around us with a deep moat filled with stagnant water; however, it does mean growing to know ourselves and what we want, what we need, then seeking out those people and situations as best we can so that we can act out the roles we feel are best suited to our own personal growth, hence we can interact with and observe others doing the same thing--for our own good and the greater good of others. Often there is so much UN-learning for us to do. Truths can be elusive, with so many dimensions. We begin to reject and throw out all the ignorances that have caused us so much conflict, so much suffering.

Patanjali has so much to offer us, it's really almost incomprehensible in it's simplicity. With humility, an open heart and an open mind we embrace the sacred study of yoga, and with that, we begin to embrace the life we want to lead. Each time my buttons get pushed, it indicates a clinging to one of the kleshas. (Patanjali mentions 5 kleshas, or causes of suffering). To help us dissolve these veils, he suggests that we develop 4 attitudes: friendliness, compassion, celebrating the good in others, and remaining impartial to the faults and imperfections of others. Donna Fahri writes that our spiritual fitness can only be tested in relationship with others. So, when my buttons get pushed, I ask myself what's really going on here. And usually it comes down to the simple answer: I don't feel loved, and that for me can be a really devastating feeling, until I realize, HEY, this is that opportunity presenting itself, it's a pretty loud knock on my door. Someone says or does something, or doesn't say or do something, and I'm triggered. I might feel angry, sad, wanting to act on that retaliatory impulse; when I stop myself I realize that usually nothing has really happened that amounts to a hill of beans. Just a hill of beans I create in my mind because I'm afraid I'm unworthy of love. The old story that reaches back into childhood. The recurring theme. "You are not loved because you are not worthy of love." When I realize this is what's going on, again, it breaks the illusion that someone is purposely trying to hurt me. It's just the little boy in me feeling deeply hurt that his dad couldn't find ways to express his love for his son. My best *defense* is learning to love as sincerely and as deeply as I can muster, and that means being open and vulnerable, which allows the love of others to freely come to me, and it does. The healing is profound.

I had a leisurely lunch with my good friend J yesterday. He still blames himself for his HIV status, and finds himself beating himself up with guilt. He is searching for the path that will lead him to forgive himself. Many of us indulge in little indiscretions from time to time, and they add up but usually with no significant consequences. But the AIDS virus doesn't allow you to forget your indiscretion. Your partner told you he was not infected, you had every reason at the time to trust him. He hid his little indiscretion from you thinking there would be no consequences. Just a little rendezvous. And it spreads and spirals out of control and has profound consequences. It is with you every single day and sometimes rears its powerful head and comes very close to slaying you.

I closed my eyes and saw a green tear falling from the heart center. Why a green teardrop? In so many arenas of life, I'm still green and have so much to learn (and un-learn). The heart chakra is green, as is a blade of grass shooting up towards the sun, spring time colors the palate with shades of green, of renewal and growth. Oh yes, and split pea soup. How do all those peas get split into near perfect little halves?

Taking Flight

I love Spring time. I've spent countless hours watching the birds, especially the mama and papa chipping sparrows and their chicks on the top of the column of the front porch where they built a nest upon a nest upon a nest. All day they tirelessly bring insects to the screaming hatchlings. They chatter and fuss when the cats sit in the windowsill nearby and become conspicuously quiet when I walk outside. Yesterday the chicks decided to emerge from the nest and jump around on the top of the column. One fell out but couldn't fly. Then another fell out. I stood sentry in case the neighbors cats showed up for a meal. The little ones just couldn't fly and the fussing and screeching kept my attention for hours. Finally I decided to intervene and try and put them back in the nest. Well, what a mistake that was. I spent forever trying to catch one of the chicks with a soft cloth. I must have looked pretty silly but finally I caught one and put him back in the nest with his siblings, and he immediately flew out and landed right back on the ground. They are too young to leave the nest, so goes my thinking. The sun set and everything quieted down. I looked this morning and the nest was completely empty. Presumably, all four babies had taken flight, or attempted flight. They grow so fast, all the while the parents are inexhaustibly bringing insects to spit into wide open beaks. I saw a big tom cat sitting out on the rock ledge a while ago, right where the baby birds take refuge. Did he eat them? Did they escape? I don't know, but I do know I need to just let it go, and let nature take her course.

I know I'm borrowing from a poem that really speaks to me, but during a class this week there was a brief moment, when, through guidance and energy, I thought I was going to totally explode into a radiant blossom of overwhelming light. I think that spark that resides within each of us is often made more assessable when we are led into that space by another who is tapping into their higher energy and we let go completely and let ourselves just fall into IT. Perhaps this is what happens when we truly let go and taste the nectar of grace. For me, it's like dipping my toes into a cool stream of water and feeling totally electrified by the sensation, only it's not so much a physical sensation as an inner, spiritual one. Thanks to all the yoga teachers whose energy connects into inner territory and allows me to intuit something far greater than anything I know. Those are indeed sacred moments. No more nor no less sacred than watching baby birds trying to take flight for the first time.

I love Spring time, and I love trying to take that inner flight towards the light of self.

Silent Altars Today

I stepped outside into the cool darkness of predawn to listen to the mystical call of a great horned owl. I've not heard him in a while. I saw a fox sauntering down the sidewalk without a care. Quails sing out bob white, bob white, and make regular appearances under the bird feeders. Other birds sing out Shakespeare, Shakespeare. Eggs have hatched on the front porch perch and the parents feed their naked little ones a feast of insects all day long. On the drive home today from the Orthopedist, a red tailed hawk flew right over my car at the moment that these lyrics from Memory (Cats) were being sung:

And soon it will be morning,
Daylight, I must wait for the sunrise,
I must think of a new life
And I mustn't give in
When the dawn comes
Tonight will be a memory too
And a new day will begin

A new day is dawning, and I mustn't cling to the old, the bad, the past is but a book of memories, both good and bad. I think of J, and his healing abilities that are now being explored, his unfolding processes. His energy work leaves me feeling absolutely fantastic. Dare I say I love the guy? Yes, I do say it.

I had my initial visit with an Orthopedist today. Xrays show significant deterioration of one of the discs in the lower part of the cervical spine.
This could be the root cause of the pain now shooting down into the shoulders
and into my arms to the elbows (all rather tolerable, mostly). The deep cortisone injections into both shoulder joints will either ease the pain significantly in about a week, or do nothing at all, which will determine the next course of action, an MRI or not. Pressure from bony structures, herniated discs or misaligned bones can cause nerves to do strange things to the body. Yoga helps a lot. It's an ancient injury.

I taught my second class yesterday as a volunteer sub. Teaching as a novice is difficult and time consuming. I hope others benefit. I have very mixed feelings about all this, and wait for clarity to come (or not).

Yesterday I received the following letter. Following that is a letter she received from a representative of the Dalai Lama. Following that is my letter to her.


"To fellow dharma friends,

Hello. I have been a dharma practitioner for many years. Recently, His Holiness the Dalai Lama, on a Canadian television interview, stated that he completely
rejects the notion of homosexual love

( http://www.cbc.ca/sunday/2007/11/110407_1.html ).

In response to my question about this cultural prejudice, one of His Holiness's representatives (Tsultrim Dorjee) sent me this response below ”essentially comparing the acceptance of homosexuals to the toleration of thieves, liars, and adulterers.. It is a rather sad day when Buddhist leaders and the Tibetan Government in Exile cling to cultural norms and prejudices.

This is a serious concern for all dharma practitioners. What should I do? Am I living in sin because I am a lesbian?

I ask my dharma friends to call on His Holiness to embrace homosexuals as full members of the dharma community. I think it is time for true compassion, not prejudice.

I would like some serious thoughts as to my question though. Thank you.

Tenzin Palmo


--- On Thu, 4/30/09, Tsultrim Dorjee wrote:


From: Tsultrim Dorjee
Subject: Acknowledgement
To: jjnyinluv@yahoo.com
Date: Thursday, April 30, 2009, 6:09 AM


Dear Tenzin,

This is to acknowledge receipt of your letter of April 28 regarding homosexuality.

For your information, what His Holiness is actually trying to say is that once you accept a religion or a belief you are naturally obliged to follow certain precepts, norms and rules of that religion or belief. For example in the case of Buddhism, the definition of being a Buddhist is:
1) All produced things are impermanent
2) All contaminated things are suffering
3) All phenomenon are empty and selfless
4) Nirvana is peace
If a person professes to be a Buddhist but does not believe in these things, then technically he is not a Buddhist. Similarly, more relevant to the issue of homosexuality, there is the code of conduct for Buddhists. As a Buddhist one should refrain from engaging in the ten non-virtuous actions. In the practice of the ten non-virtuous actions homosexuality is considered a sexual misconduct. Naturally therefore, if you are a Buddhist it is not considered proper to indulge in homosexuality. On the other hand, if you were not a Buddhist this would not be applicable. For example, if someone is not a Buddhist and does not believe in Karma (law of causality) it would be ridiculous to condemn such a person or to say that his attitude is inappropriate. But if one is a Buddhist the situation will not be the same. In any case, it is important to look at this, as in the case of all other things, from an overall view. There are many such actions that are considered inappropriate for a Buddhist, such as lying, stealing and committing adultery and so on. Many Buddhists commit these acts. They are not condoned or considered appropriate but there is an acceptance that there are people who commit such acts.

I hope it clears you now.

With best wishes,

Yours sincerely,

Tsultrim Dorjee
Assistant

*********
My response to Tensin Palmo's letter:

Dear Tenzin Palmo,

As a gay man and a person who embraces the teachings of Buddhism (and other spiritual precepts) I am initially shocked into disbelief at what Tsultrim Dorjee has to say about homosexuality in the email below and also at what the Dalai Lama himself says about homosexual love in his interview ( http://www.cbc.ca/sunday/2007/11/110407_1.html fast foward to 10 minutes into the interview). But then again, they are both only human and apparently ignorant in regards to this matter. I love the story Jack Kornfield tells of a deeply depressed gay man who found a spiritual teacher who taught him meditation and completely turned his life around. When he learned that his guru viewed homosexuality as "wrong", he fell back into a depression and was deeply conflicted. However, his guru had taught him so many wonderful things, and was such a wonderful person/teacher, that when he was able to look past his teacher's ignorance on this particular matter, and forgive him for this ignorance, and focus on all his good qualities, he was able to come to terms with the matter and resume his relationship with his spiritual teacher. If we believe people are innately good, and that goodness lies at their core, then as humans we must assume they are still journeying towards that goodness, and we must love them as best we can, including all their blemishes and imperfections.

Like Alice Walker, I do not call myself a Buddhist because it is yet another label that attaches oneself to an institutionalized set of rules and a belief system whose evolution often bears little resemblance to the original moment of spiritual enlightment that occurred centuries ago. On the other hand, I believe I have the right to call myself a Buddhist if I believe I am following the teachings of the Buddha.

In my opinion, it is simple nonsense to think you are living in sin and not walking the dharmic path. What does your heart tell you? There you are. Be at peace with this. It is unlikely you or I will be able to change the Dalai Lama's position on this matter any more than aspiring gay priests or nuns will be able to change the Pope's condemnation of homosexual love or certain Cardinals who believe the Holocaust never occurred, despite the truth that is standing right there in front of them.

Ron Hicks
rhicks2@austin.rr.com