Falling Down Forever

My excellent massage therapist has been wanting to return to yoga after a shoulder injury he sustained two years ago finally healed.  Not a single yoga class in the interim.  I recommended Thrive Austin, and when Paul decided to actually go to a specific class, I reconnected with a friend who checks people in and told him to be sure and give Paul an especially warm welcome.  It was all very sweet, and to reconnect with Fred after so many months of being out of touch made me feel both happy and sad.  It was through that conversation, last night, that I learned that a mutual friend of ours had been suffering from severe depression and had succumbed to the suicidal impulse.  After being released from a psychiatric care facility he went home and shot himself dead.  I have known many people who have taken this route.  Depression is an illness that can swoop down on any of us and put us in a place of such intense pain and darkness that we can see no alternative but to push ourselves down forever.  There is a sadness and finality in doing this, but it is something I understand.  There is no blame or guilt.  We all fall down forever at least once, for certain, and that fall can manifest itself in countless forms.  So I remember all my conversations and all the classes I took with Paolo and lament his tragic and abrupt end but with an understanding that such things are indeed part of the journey.  At the same time I celebrate the birthday of my partner who turned 81 today, and I look at him with deep affection and admiration and yes, a touch of envy, at his extraordinary life and the profound influence he has had on me.  He is healthy, alive, and each day is a celebration of the dance of life, in a calm, smooth and seemingly effortless flow of one moment to another.  I will begin baking Chocolate Decadence this morning.


As it sit here in the quiet time of dawn, the sounds of hooting owls and cooing doves and chirping birds reminds me of the cycle of life.  One lone white wing dove was presented to me with bloody injuries that should have killed him, but his will to live was strong and I could feel that and saw no other alternative but to do whatever I could to help him survive.  Dove season will be coming along soon and countless birds will be brought down to death by countless shotguns.  There will be birthdays today as well as memorial services.  I will get my deep tissue massage again next week and connect with my therapist on a level for which I can find no words to describe other than simply delicious.  I will have lunch and ponder the complexities of life with my therapist an hour or so later.  I will smile and laugh as often as possible and let myself cry and feel deep sadness when that's what I need to do.  In the back of mind I will always wonder when will I fall down forever.