The Falling of a Teardrop--"Just a Little Green"

To account for his distance, J told me life had been throwing him some curve balls. That's what life does, I said, it likes to throw things at us and pull us in all sorts of directions, leaving us dizzy and sometimes sick, and therefore not always as available as we would like to be. We all need time to process, to be alone to ponder and wonder. Sometimes we are lied to, people try to engage us in scurrilous gossip and sometimes we succumb and are sucked right into that vortex. We try to untangle all the little injustices laid at our feet, set the record straight, let the truth be known. We get caught up in the web and are devoured by the stories. Hooked, as Chodran calls it. Just hooked in a nano second, before we've had time to just step back and take a deep breath. This stepping back is not easy, nor is it withdrawing. There is an element of detachment but by no means void of empathy. We seek a sense of objectivity without being an actor in a play written by someone else. A play that might be tragic, absurd, or sad, and mostly quite irrelevant to what we want to be engaged in. So we begin learning to script the plays that bring richness to our lives but this doesn't mean building a wall around us with a deep moat filled with stagnant water; however, it does mean growing to know ourselves and what we want, what we need, then seeking out those people and situations as best we can so that we can act out the roles we feel are best suited to our own personal growth, hence we can interact with and observe others doing the same thing--for our own good and the greater good of others. Often there is so much UN-learning for us to do. Truths can be elusive, with so many dimensions. We begin to reject and throw out all the ignorances that have caused us so much conflict, so much suffering.

Patanjali has so much to offer us, it's really almost incomprehensible in it's simplicity. With humility, an open heart and an open mind we embrace the sacred study of yoga, and with that, we begin to embrace the life we want to lead. Each time my buttons get pushed, it indicates a clinging to one of the kleshas. (Patanjali mentions 5 kleshas, or causes of suffering). To help us dissolve these veils, he suggests that we develop 4 attitudes: friendliness, compassion, celebrating the good in others, and remaining impartial to the faults and imperfections of others. Donna Fahri writes that our spiritual fitness can only be tested in relationship with others. So, when my buttons get pushed, I ask myself what's really going on here. And usually it comes down to the simple answer: I don't feel loved, and that for me can be a really devastating feeling, until I realize, HEY, this is that opportunity presenting itself, it's a pretty loud knock on my door. Someone says or does something, or doesn't say or do something, and I'm triggered. I might feel angry, sad, wanting to act on that retaliatory impulse; when I stop myself I realize that usually nothing has really happened that amounts to a hill of beans. Just a hill of beans I create in my mind because I'm afraid I'm unworthy of love. The old story that reaches back into childhood. The recurring theme. "You are not loved because you are not worthy of love." When I realize this is what's going on, again, it breaks the illusion that someone is purposely trying to hurt me. It's just the little boy in me feeling deeply hurt that his dad couldn't find ways to express his love for his son. My best *defense* is learning to love as sincerely and as deeply as I can muster, and that means being open and vulnerable, which allows the love of others to freely come to me, and it does. The healing is profound.

I had a leisurely lunch with my good friend J yesterday. He still blames himself for his HIV status, and finds himself beating himself up with guilt. He is searching for the path that will lead him to forgive himself. Many of us indulge in little indiscretions from time to time, and they add up but usually with no significant consequences. But the AIDS virus doesn't allow you to forget your indiscretion. Your partner told you he was not infected, you had every reason at the time to trust him. He hid his little indiscretion from you thinking there would be no consequences. Just a little rendezvous. And it spreads and spirals out of control and has profound consequences. It is with you every single day and sometimes rears its powerful head and comes very close to slaying you.

I closed my eyes and saw a green tear falling from the heart center. Why a green teardrop? In so many arenas of life, I'm still green and have so much to learn (and un-learn). The heart chakra is green, as is a blade of grass shooting up towards the sun, spring time colors the palate with shades of green, of renewal and growth. Oh yes, and split pea soup. How do all those peas get split into near perfect little halves?