The Higher Your Expectations, the Greater Your Disappointments

It has been so long since I've blogged. Long ago a friend wrote on a piece of paper for me "The higher your expectations, the greater your disappointments." This pithy gem of a statement has proven itself to be true over and over again; nonetheless, I do have expectations and sometimes they are set pretty high and when they don't come to fruition, I'm greatly disappointed. Again I
observe yet another issue to deal with over and over again--that of having expectations that are too high in the first place! (Having hope is a wonderful thing, but when one has expectations about some future event that may never come about, those expectations are often time spent dwelling in the future and not staying present, which is okay, but not so great when a lot of time is spent doing this.)

I was so excited about enrolling in the yoga teacher training program this fall. I bought my books in advance. Then the program got cancelled for lack of enrollment and I was so very disappointed. I knew exactly what was going on, I was falling into a depression, but I just couldn't control it. So I just accepted it and let myself cry and feel all the things that were coming up for me, and alas it passed quickly after running it's brief course. I met with an admissions counselor at YogaYoga and that was a good meeting and certainly an excellent alternative, but I
decided to just wait for now, give myself some time to process things, see what might happen, stay open, accept that there are some things that I have no control over, and that things happen for a reason. I wanted to just sit with all this, sit with this sense of groundlessness, and try to be comfortable with it. Something else opened for me that has a bit of magic in it, but before I go into that I want to reminisce:

About 12+ years ago I had some strong urges to go out into the world and find myself. My partner thought I was leaving him but that was never my intention. Nevertheless, I did move and bring about significant changes. One of the things I did was travel to Israel with a small group of *patrons* of Monastery of Christ in the Desert, Abiquiu, New Mexico. I also bought a house there, moved there, it was a very rich and exciting time of life for me. My doctor had
given me some medication that actually made me rather manic. So while traveling in Israel I simply never slept and was already sleep deprived from several months of experiencing this mania. Long term sleep deprivation can have dire consequences. I ended up in a state hospital for the mentally ill in Tel Aviv. I only stayed for a few days before I was *rescued* but it certainly cut short my trip, although it was a fantastic experience. Most people don't understand how I can describe a 3 day stay in a state mental hospital in a foreign country as fantastic but it was. I met some incredible people. Fragile and broken. Sensitive and unable to cope with all the sorrows of their lives. Tragedies. Yes, I got kicked around while trying to sleep on the floor, and yes we had to disrobe and stand in a line, then sit in a large tub and have barely luke warm water poured over us--that was how we were bathed, no privacy. I painted a post-impressionistic-like painting for the head psychiatrist (she was from Russia) and she called me van Gogh and then allowed me take a nap which was normally forbidden. I felt a lot of love from many of my fellow patients.

But, getting back to the present: I told my partner that I wouldn't be doing the teacher training program beginning this fall (maybe this spring, maybe very soon, maybe never). Because he didn't get the opportunity to travel with me to Israel, but only got to fly to Tel Aviv to bring me home, he has always wanted to go there and I have always wanted to return. The available tour options that interested us were all booked up for this fall, so when he learned I didn't have the commitment of the yoga program, he put us on a waiting list and within 2 days 2 people cancelled. So, we are now all booked to go first to Jordan and then to Israel for a total of 20 days. We leave the middle of next month. It is quite fascinating how things happen. I'm enthralled, a bit mystified, somewhat humbled, but above all, grateful. I like a recent email I received, which had the following quote attached:

“It may be that the satisfaction I need depends on my going away, so that when I've gone and come back, I'll find it at home.”-
-Rumi