Today, Untitled

I feel totally yucky today. Something has gone awry with the functioning of my lower intestines. I feel so tired. I didn't even go to the Iyengar workshop today, the last day, although I did try. Something in me feels out of balance and I can't figure out what. Did I push myself too hard? Do I need to change my diet? Do I need to do a cleanse? Always I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with me, I get totally caught up in that, just totally lost in it before I realize, hey, this is just an old habit. An old core belief. The belief that I'm totally worthless and not worthy of love. It goes so deep. Sometimes it takes all I have to fight it, but usually when I'm worn down by it all something slowly comes back to me that I learned long ago that all those negative core beliefs are just lies. The old story line that I should know better than buy into, especially after all these years of work. Just maybe it's totally okay to feel rotten from time to time. So I feel rotten, tired, weak, vulnerable, lonely...and so does most of the rest of the world. That doesn't make it any easier, but it is a truth. Yesterday, in front of two yoga teachers, a fellow student in the workshop started talking about me and suddenly burst out with "he is just amazing." The teacher said, yes, he is amazing. My face grew really hot and I knew I was blushing red as a beet. It really bothered me that she said that about me, and I kept having those inner dialogs, the monkey chatter stuff, and then it came to me that I was totally rejecting a compliment. That's all it was, nothing more, nothing less, just a compliment, with loving intentions. I certainly thought of her as amazing, and the two teachers are quite amazing, and so why do I find so many other people just fantasically amazing in so many thousands of ways but I can't accept it when someone sees that in me? Ok, here come the tears, the weeping, and the sadness. I just need to sit with it and let it be, rest into it, feel it. So that's all.