A Mad Cat, No Electricity, a Turquoise Gate and The Moonstone

Last night was downright eerie. I was awakened by the sound of an alarm coming from somewhere in the house but I couldn't tell where (much less why). My first thought was *smoke alarm*, but when I sniffed the air I could smell nothing. I quickly made my way to Dale's end of the house but everything seemed normal. Still, something wasn't quite right. It was so bright outside, and so dark inside. The alarm sounded again. Then I realized that none of the interior lamps or nightlights were on. I flicked the nearest light switch and nothing happened. The familiar glow of digital clocks was suddenly conspicuously absent. There was no electricity. It was so bright outside, but no bad weather. Then I became momentarily frightened. Had someone cut the electricity on purpose? I checked the phone and it was dead. I decided to wake up Dale and get his opinion. He suggested I call the 24 hour hot line and connect with our electrical coop. I found my cell and made the report, the 2nd one the operator had received from customers on our street. No big deal, back to bed. That infernal alarm was downright ear piercing and still I had no idea where it was coming from. I learned the next morning that the sound was driving Dale mad so he followed the sound to the freezer, which apparently has an alarm to let you know the electricity has gone off. Thank you Sears. Push the reset button and the alarm goes off. I found my earplugs and settled back into a deep sleep. I remember dreaming that my cell was ringing, the operator with the utility company was trying to call me but I couldn't find the phone. I managed to get up at 6:00 and barely made it to Anne's class at YYS.

I had forgotten how therapeutic it can be to paint. A wall, a picture, a gate, whatever. In the case of yesterday, I found sweet solace in painting the repaired metal gate that Alejandro fixed for us and then primed (Alejandro finally finished tiling the patio and doing various other little jobs). I just focused on that and nothing else and it brought me to a state of deep relaxation and contentment. No sounds other than that of the natural world. I'm looking forward to applying the second coat. Funny how we forget to do some of the things we particularly enjoy doing. Another example: Most of what I've been reading of late is associated with yoga, or Buddhism, or pranayama...I straightened up my studio and realized I needed to get rid of some books in order to shelf all the newer ones. In doing so, I came across Wilkie Collins's The Moonstone, which I had never read, but bought ages ago when I took a Detective Fiction course. It wasn't on the reading list but was highly recommended. The pages are yellowing and the print is small, but I'm managing just fine. I believe that Edgar Allen Poe is credited with writing the first *detective story*, but the Moonstone is recognized as a masterpiece of detective fiction (and over 500 pages long). It's a great read and I'm totally enjoying it. I've always liked the genre and it's been too long since I read a delicious British detective story!

Poor Ralph! I took him in for a dental cleaning and he ended up having 2 extractions. The stitches will dissolve in 10 to 14 days. He's still mad at me. Mostly because he hates the taste of the pain medication and the antibiotic, both liquid. I'm stopping today with pain drops but will have to finish the antibiotic. Just about the time he'll forgive me, I'll take him in for a 3 week stay at the boarding kennel. Pepe got 2 different shots for his allergies, but since I didn't given them he's not mad at me at all! Cats are such wonderful creatures. Today when I returned from yoga I could hear a squirrel by the garage fussing quite loudly at one of the neighbor's cats that roams free and seems almost feral to us. Sure enough the beautiful Siamese mix took off running when I approached, and his front paw is still causing him problems. I hate to see it, but there's nothing I can do other than breathe in his pain and breathe out compassion. That probably helps me far more than him, but who knows for sure?

The Higher Your Expectations, the Greater Your Disappointments

It has been so long since I've blogged. Long ago a friend wrote on a piece of paper for me "The higher your expectations, the greater your disappointments." This pithy gem of a statement has proven itself to be true over and over again; nonetheless, I do have expectations and sometimes they are set pretty high and when they don't come to fruition, I'm greatly disappointed. Again I
observe yet another issue to deal with over and over again--that of having expectations that are too high in the first place! (Having hope is a wonderful thing, but when one has expectations about some future event that may never come about, those expectations are often time spent dwelling in the future and not staying present, which is okay, but not so great when a lot of time is spent doing this.)

I was so excited about enrolling in the yoga teacher training program this fall. I bought my books in advance. Then the program got cancelled for lack of enrollment and I was so very disappointed. I knew exactly what was going on, I was falling into a depression, but I just couldn't control it. So I just accepted it and let myself cry and feel all the things that were coming up for me, and alas it passed quickly after running it's brief course. I met with an admissions counselor at YogaYoga and that was a good meeting and certainly an excellent alternative, but I
decided to just wait for now, give myself some time to process things, see what might happen, stay open, accept that there are some things that I have no control over, and that things happen for a reason. I wanted to just sit with all this, sit with this sense of groundlessness, and try to be comfortable with it. Something else opened for me that has a bit of magic in it, but before I go into that I want to reminisce:

About 12+ years ago I had some strong urges to go out into the world and find myself. My partner thought I was leaving him but that was never my intention. Nevertheless, I did move and bring about significant changes. One of the things I did was travel to Israel with a small group of *patrons* of Monastery of Christ in the Desert, Abiquiu, New Mexico. I also bought a house there, moved there, it was a very rich and exciting time of life for me. My doctor had
given me some medication that actually made me rather manic. So while traveling in Israel I simply never slept and was already sleep deprived from several months of experiencing this mania. Long term sleep deprivation can have dire consequences. I ended up in a state hospital for the mentally ill in Tel Aviv. I only stayed for a few days before I was *rescued* but it certainly cut short my trip, although it was a fantastic experience. Most people don't understand how I can describe a 3 day stay in a state mental hospital in a foreign country as fantastic but it was. I met some incredible people. Fragile and broken. Sensitive and unable to cope with all the sorrows of their lives. Tragedies. Yes, I got kicked around while trying to sleep on the floor, and yes we had to disrobe and stand in a line, then sit in a large tub and have barely luke warm water poured over us--that was how we were bathed, no privacy. I painted a post-impressionistic-like painting for the head psychiatrist (she was from Russia) and she called me van Gogh and then allowed me take a nap which was normally forbidden. I felt a lot of love from many of my fellow patients.

But, getting back to the present: I told my partner that I wouldn't be doing the teacher training program beginning this fall (maybe this spring, maybe very soon, maybe never). Because he didn't get the opportunity to travel with me to Israel, but only got to fly to Tel Aviv to bring me home, he has always wanted to go there and I have always wanted to return. The available tour options that interested us were all booked up for this fall, so when he learned I didn't have the commitment of the yoga program, he put us on a waiting list and within 2 days 2 people cancelled. So, we are now all booked to go first to Jordan and then to Israel for a total of 20 days. We leave the middle of next month. It is quite fascinating how things happen. I'm enthralled, a bit mystified, somewhat humbled, but above all, grateful. I like a recent email I received, which had the following quote attached:

“It may be that the satisfaction I need depends on my going away, so that when I've gone and come back, I'll find it at home.”-
-Rumi

Ahimsa, Marma Point(s) and Canterra Columns

Today was the last day of a 4 day intensive which was preceded by a 3 day workshop, all led by Murti with Ahimsa as the theme and a focus on the tripod of the foot and drawing energy up from the marma point located at a point near the heel and arch of the foot in a variety of poses. It's just magic and so beautiful. The focus on the marma point on the heel was inspired by recent work with Richard Rosen who is dealing with Parkinson's. Amazing stuff. It's nice that tomorrow I'm free to just get things done around the house, the bathroom guy is coming to reattach my glass sliding doors and we ordered the canterra columns that will replace the Michohuacan columns on the porch/patio on my side of the house outside my studio. The wooden columns are beautiful but they are rotting. The canterra installer will come tomorrow and give an estimate although we have already ordered the columns. I met some really wonderful people at the workshop and classes and will miss them. I decided to opt out of the party tonight at Valerie's place, I'm just not a particularly social person. Besides, two trips into town today was tiring enough!



I reconnected with my masseur last week who's been having some health issues that have prevented our continued work together--actually, preventing him from doing any massage work at all for many months now. I found out he has given up his practice entirely for the time being and has taken a job with Apple, full time. I miss him and my weekly massages, but more importantly I miss our conversations. Robert, you are a fantastic guy and I wish you the very best and I totally enjoyed our visit.

Trunks, Trains, Crocodile Tears

As I opened my eyes this afternoon upon awakening from a particularly deep sleep, I looked out the window from my bed and there in the sky was a most beautiful cloud that had taken on the shape of an elephant. It was so magical, I jumped up to grab the camera, resume my exact place on the bed but alas my first shot was no good and by the time I got the camera positioned and focused for the second shot the cloud no longer resembled an elephant; however, I could still see the shape of an animal head, sans the trunk, now looking more like a large dog.

I've always associated difficult times and suffering with transformation. During a particularly difficult time a number of years ago I had a powerful dream that left a lasting impression on my mind. I can't remember the details although I'm sure it's recorded somewhere in my papers, but I was on a train, traveling, and somehow a baby elephant came to me in the dream and offered me great solace, almost as one would imagine a spirit animal to do, or a guardian angel. It was such a powerful and emotional dream that I found myself literally out there in the world in search of a baby elephant the very next day! Well, not a *real* one, but one that's like a teddy bear. I desperately wanted a baby elephant that I could hold just like a child holds a cherished teddy bear or a security blanket. I had no idea where to find one but I didn't care, I jumped in my car and drove until I came to a Toys R Us. I found a large bin at the bottom of a shelf that contained a variety of stuffed animals, but I could not find an elephant. I searched and searched, reaching deep inside the bin, trying to rotate all the stuffed animals around in such a way that I would be able to see each and every one of them before giving up. No luck. Just as I was prepared to go elsewhere or dismiss my quest as something silly and stupid I heard the sound of a baby elephant coming from the bottom of the bin. Reader, I swear to you this is true. I started crying because it seemed so totally unreal. Even now I have to take some deep breaths and get my bearings as I revisit the memory. I reached my hand deep into the far corner of the bin towards where the sound had come and pulled out the cutest little baby elephant I'd ever seen! (Photo attached). (Press on him and voila, you get three recorded sounds of a baby elephant.) At this time in my life I was learning all about nurturing one's inner child, and the baby elephant came to symbolize this for me. They are fascinating animals. Gentle giants, powerful yet vulnerable, social, living in groups with a matriarch, usually the oldest female in the group, a great aunt, a grandmother, a great grandmother. Just like my childhood. All the love and compassion and strength and safety I could find came from my grandmother and my great aunts. As a child, I loathed my father and most men in general. My, how things change.

I rarely win anything free, but I did win a free consultation with a practitioner of Chinese medicine and acupuncture. We met yesterday and it was pretty powerful. She could really see right through me and I was quite delighted by that albeit somewhat unnerved in the sense that deep emotions were beginning to emerge, which meant I felt safe with her and she was definitely hitting on some difficult truths. She says my chi is out of balance and although she has some very clear and specific suggestions for bringing this into balance, it would involve weekly visits plus all the herbs plus a pretty radical change in diet and I'm just not up for all that right now. I want to transition slowly into trying to find the balance myself. I'm going to look at it as a fortuitous encounter but not take on obligations. I do have a whole page of suggested changes I can work on. More importantly, I need to exercise prudence in my money management at this time. I do want to keep her in mind for possible future work when I have more readily available cash.

After finding the baby elephant my journey took me to live for a year in a remote cabin in the wilds of Northern New Mexico. One of the monks at a neighboring monastery who befriended me gave me his teddy bear that he'd had since childhood, and already he was in his late 40's. I was very touched. Many of the village people accepted me and I learned much of their personal histories, especially through a book written by a native villager who now teaches in Coyote. In some ways it was like living in another country, another culture altogether. Years later after moving back to Austin then to Dripping Springs I noticed something in the middle of the highway one day that particularly grabbed my attention. I turned around and found a discarded baby elephant, lying the middle of the highway. How he eluded being run over I don't know. I cleaned him up and now he lives with the teddy bear and my inner child symbol.

Last night after a great workshop I dreamt I was being chased by a crocodile! I fled to my car and with key in hand I tried to open the door but alas the croc was too fast and I awakened with quite a physical reaction which sent my cats fleeing from the bed in a momentary panic. It's all good, but since he didn't bite me, or devour me, and I escaped by awakening, maybe I've made some not so bad decisions after all, of late.

What Would St. Francis Do?

It's been a good if relatively uneventful week. I enjoyed a 3 hour ANY partner yoga and Thai massage workshop with Jeff as my partner and Andrew as our leader this past Sunday, as well as a couple of ANY classes. I had a long chat with Murti today about his upcoming workshop and week intensive at Austin Yoga, Castle Hill, as well as the retreat he and Gioconda are planning in October in Hawaii, which I'm hoping to attend. I enrolled in Keith's Boddhisatva workshop this weekend which I'm looking forward to, dropped by Castle Hill and purchased all my required books for the upcoming teacher training program and enrolled in Murti's events. Yoga and community is good.





Saw my dentist yesterday for my regular six month check-up and his wife and assistant Rhonda really needed to talk about all the difficulties they have been facing of late--an aging parent in a care facility, the devastating effects of Alzheimer's, and a whole range of medical issues she's been having to deal with. I felt so honored that she was comfortable confiding in me, sharing life's difficulties. I realized later that I've been going there for about 28 years. Of course it was impossible for me to do anything but listen as Dr. Heckmann was at work in my mouth the whole time, but sometimes it's best to just listen and let others talk without giving feedback (unless it's asked for). We all need to be heard, with understanding, and sometimes without any feedback. That was good.





I finally found someone who can repair my bath tub/shower without tearing everything out and having to do major construction. He came up with an excellent solution that will preserve the original design yet fix the problem without it all looking like a patch job.





I don't know what to do about all the raccoons we have around here. I started feeding them and now they expect dinner every night---all of them, and they've grown in numbers. Sometimes I count as many as 8. They come around like clockwork. It's so hot out there but I fear I've made a mistake in allowing their population to grow beyond what would be normal for the amount of food nature provides, but I am finding it exceedingly difficult to not feed them. However, we have decided it's probably the best thing to do as they can become dangerous pests. So I've withdrawn food. Well, I noticed one very persistent adult staring at me through the glass, with such a pleading look. They are still wild animals and run off when I approach with food, or step outside, and when this one took off I noticed a significant limp in his/her back leg. I've seen her several times now and wonder if her leg is broken, of if she has a thorn/infection. Dale doesn't know it, but I'm still feeding her. I love all the animals, but did erect a 7.5' wildlife fence around the property to keep out the deer that were eating all our plants. The fence also keeps out all roaming dogs, which is good, but the property is now a haven for raccoons, squirrels, foxes, and neighboring cats. There are so many birds out here too. But about the raccoons, I wonder what St. Francis would do? I suppose that as long as I continue feeding the birds and squirrels, there will always be grain scattered on the ground that the raccons will find.





I made reservations for dinner tommorrow at San Miguel for Dale and I, Gary and Chris, and Richard and Fred. I look forward to that.

A, B, or C

I never know how long it's going to take me to get somewhere, and I mean that both literally and metaphorically. Getting from here to central Austin can take from 30 minutes to 1.5 hours, it all hinges on traffic. Yesterday when I left for practice I had in mind the possibility of 3 different yoga classes in 3 different studios, all beginning at 9:30 a.m. Should traffic be slow, the plan was to get to the closest one in time; if traffic was *normal* then I might just make it to the studio in north central Austin, the one that is further away in distance than the other two. I'm sure there is little logic to this, but such was my thinking. So keeping an open mind I left the house not knowing exactly where I'd end up for my morning practice.

Stephen Levine writes: "The mind creates an abyss, but the heart crosses it."


Certainly I can get totally lost in my mind and that can include the process of making decisions. It easily leads me nowhere. Into an abyss, round and about mazes, puzzling over nonsensical conundrums, in general pretty useless stuff. I like the notion that our hearts are indeed our *second* brain, and in many ways the far more important one. Most times when I follow my heart, something pretty rich happens. All sorts of things open up, and I don't mean just positive, candy-coated stuff. The real stuff, the stuff of life that really lets me FEEL. Laughter and tears and all that stuff. No doubt it would be far easier to follow my mind but I don't seem to ever get anywhere when I do that. Gratitude, love, grace, touching souls, connecting, being a part of, moving deeper into, listening, hurt, pain, sorrow, grief, being totally raw--all things having to do with feelings are associated with the heart.

Traffic was light so I ended up at the yoga studio located in north central Austin. The substitute teacher was just awesome. The class just totally blew me away. It was what I needed and wanted. I'm humbled when awesome things happen and feel that when such richness and ripeness suddenly makes an appearance I'm experiencing grace. Interestingly, I don't know or even think for a moment that had I chosen studio 1 or studio 2, that grace wouldn't have happened there. I think all we can do is open our hearts, and when we do that, we are open to grace, we are open to gifts, to love, and as well to pain. We are open to growth, to living life authentically.

I need to make some decisions: my bathtub/shower area needs to be repaired. It leaks and is causing damage. I don't know if a simple repair will do the trick or if I'll end up needing a whole new tub, tiling, essentially a complete redo. I do know that dealing with house doctors as they call themselves, contractors, salespeople, plumbers, carpenters...can cause me quite a bit of anxiety. Actually I should say I react with stress when I have to do these kinds of things of which I know very little. I just want it done, but there is no wand to wave, no one person to call and say please take care of this asap, thank you. Like so many other things it's a process. You have to do homework and learn stuff you may have no interest in, and hope you don't end up spending thousands unnecessarily. The only thing I know to do is sit with the anxiety and listen to my what my heart says. The sales lady at Moore Supply entices me to buy the deluxe, homeopathic, bubbly, aroma therapeutic, holistic, essential oils-friendly 60 gallon tub. My heart says Oh Yes, my body is a temple, this is really a healthy thing to do, but my pocketbook says No Way. As Jack Kornfield says, in dealing with all things spiritual, mental, physical....sometimes you simply have to rely on you own common sense. I have a folder with a handout that I sometimes refer to entitled How to Make Decisions. Often there isn't a right or wrong involved, but in the end if you feel pretty good with the outcome then I'd say you made a good decision.

I think I'll revisit that handout.

A Simple Perspective--Who Best to Listen To?

I'm not an expert on anything, and the few things that I feel relatively knowledgeable about, well, there are countless people out there that know far more than I do. I'm not an intellectual, nor am I an academician. I say all this because I want to write about a subject that has the potential to be a sensitive one, but I feel compelled to put my thoughts out there, on this blog, because it has hit close to home. So, in the vein of mostly thinking out loud, in typewritten words, I want to send out a caution to all who are in a serious student-teacher relationship.





Quite a few years ago I began taking yoga at one of the very few places in Austin that offered yoga classes, and I mean literally that there were no more than a very small handful of yoga teachers in Austin. I loved it. It was such a wonderful discovery. I was going through one of the more difficult stages of my life and I was hypersensitive, depressed, and very frightened. I found refuge at this beautiful yoga studio, and the small community of people there. In particular I will never forget one very long afternoon when I simply burst into tears and my teacher wrapped her arms around me and held me, for a long, long time, offering unconditional love and comfort. No words were spoken, just her being totally and unconditionally available to me, giving of herself selflessly. But things began to unravel there and I didn't want to be a part of that unraveling as I had experienced about as much unraveling in my life than I could handle at that time. Briefly stated, the yoga studio owner became pregnant and her husband, a Buddhist monk or priest, left her--abandoned her. Anger, sorrow, fear....ensued and penetrated every aspect of her teaching. Understandbly so, but that's all I wanted to know and that's all I came to know. I just never went back and the studio closed shortly thereafter.





It was an important lesson for me to learn that people are people, people are human. No matter how we represent ourselves to the world, no matter what extraordinary heights we may achieve, we are still human. The Buddha taught to always question everything we are told, including his teachings, and if they don't resonate with truth for us, then don't accept them or believe them. We have an innate tendency to place others on pedestals, to look up to wise and learned people, to draw upon their wisdom, their enlightenment, their teachings, and this is a beautiful thing. But we must always keep in mind that even the most enlightened people we know, the wisest of the wise, the master teacher, he/she is human. As humans, we all make mistakes.

"As far as Buddha Nature is concerned, there is no difference between sinner and sage...One enlightened thought and one is a Buddha, one foolish thought and one is an ordinary person."
---Zen Patriarch Hui Neng



In one of my all time favorite books, A Path With Heart (A Guide Through the Perils and Promises of a Spiritual Life), Jack Kornfield dedicates an entire chapter to the topic of teachers, leaders, and gurus (Ch. 18, The Emperor New Clothes, Problems with Teachers). So very often, in fact more often than is generally realized, when a person achieves an elevated status within a spiritual community, and members of his/her flock begin to grow, so does the temptation of the ego, the tendency towards thinking oneself to be somewhat superior, and when that kind of power sets in the consequences are a common theme throughout history--greed and abuse of power (all too often sexual abuse, and the stealing of money). "Power replaces love."



Kornfield writes: "Another student followed a charismatic Indian guru whose powerful love and teachings brought great joy and peace into his life. The student was a gay man, who had lived in a caring and committed partnership for more than ten years, and when the guru later stated that all homosexuality was a terrible sin that leads to hell, the student's life was nearly destroyed. His relationship was torn apart, and the secret guilt and self-loathing that had plagued this man throughout his childhood returned. Finally, with outside help, the student came to see that while his guru might bring him visions and wonderful meditation teachings, he was really quite ignorant about homosexuality. Only when he realized this, was he able to hold both the teachings he so valued and his own life with equal loving-kindness."



This is almost exactly what happened to me, and in one form or another has happened to many others.



"We can see over and over again how one dimension of life does not automatically bring wisdom in other dimensions. Every teacher and every practice has its strong points and its weaknesses."



Andrew Harvey discusses the falling out he had with his guru, a world renowned guru whose name I do not know. One of my all time favorite yoga teachers, someone I admire, respect, love, and care about, fell victim to this very thing. The leader of a spiritual community begins telling his/her flock to not question what he/she is saying. Remedies and cures of a spiritual nature can be obtained through more generous donation of monies, and worse of all, through sexual interaction with the master himself/herself. This is called abuse. And it happens all the time. Because these people are human too.





When things become dogmatic, one should sit up and take notice. When one's leader seems to hold all the answers, and those answers are very clear, those answers are black and white, those answers are the one and only truth, one needs to beware. Something has gone wrong.





There is nothing wrong with the centuries old yogic tradition of having a master and student. In fact, I'm particularly fond of working one-on-one with a teacher. It's a rich and rewarding tradition. This is how precious knowledge is passed on. It's just another way for us to learn and grow from those who have much to offer. In Universities and college we flock to our favorite professors to impart their knowledge to us. We read books by writers we admire, and we learn and grow. I strongly advocate for all these things. But I also advocate for listening carefully to one's one heart, and most especially, listening to one's gut---one's intuition. Intuition is a powerful tool we can all tap into, it is the wisdom that resides in all of us, and if we listen and then follow our intuition, we can navigate through life without falling victim to bad things quite so often. Most spiritual traditions teach that each and every one of us really has all the answers we need inside of us. Easier said than done, but I think there is much truth in that.