We all want to be loved, and so many of our needs stem from that very basic human craving. I met a guy during yoga class on a recent cruise who reminded me of that need in me that has taken me on some rather harrowing journeys in the realm of baffling and complex relationships with others (all profound learning experiences). Because I have microscopically examined the root cause of the particular aspect of that need, I had a pretty clear perspective on what was happening and was able to simply observe without succumbing to the pull. Frank was in his early 50's, quite good looking, friendly, talkative, engaging, but also needy and emotionally unavailable. He served in the military and was on board a ship that sank, he nearly drowned, and all the fire and fumes did permanent damage to his lungs, including cancer, so his hospitalizations and treatments have been extensive and ongoing. He was also in "intelligence" and has retained that particular mindset of distrust, paranoia, and a strong tendency to manipulate, to play games. It is not easy for me to relate or understand all this, but I try. I listen. And, I think that is an important key. Learning to listen. Learning to care. Learning to understand. He had no interest in my feedback so I kept as quiet as possible, but I did have to put some "gems of wisdom" on the table. (Okay, so I am admitting that I feel both older and wiser). He was not happy and felt all alone in the world, only 52 and living very much in the past. I did my best to connect but he lives his life as anonymously as possible. He wouldn't give me his last name, and his registered name on the yoga roster may have been fictitious. I don't know!! He told me that if I were to Google him I would hit a dead end (all by design). That's the issue in dealing with such people, they desperately want to be listened to, they want a friend, they want to relate, but, in my opinion, they are so out of touch with their truer selves that forming such healthy bonds, is virtually impossible. It's almost like an unconsciousness commitment to practicing the opposite of what the yamas and niyamas call for (universal and personal ethical codes of behavior). The pull of the emotionally unavailable and needy will always be with me and so will the desire to fix (again, thank you Daddy). But, the pull has lost nearly all strength. It is such a paradox that while I believe in the importance of listening to others, I cannot deny the need I have to be listened to, and it seems that finding such people to listen to me is rare. I certainly should feel gratitude when I'm faced with the role of being the listener. In some cases, it is a duty and I know I may be helping in some small way. I think that when we learn to truly listen to others with caring and understanding, we open the door to learning not only about others, but also about ourselves. There can be an abundance of clarity. I suggest that when someone wants to talk to you about something that is troubling them, let them talk, don't wait until the moment they have finished and then start telling them about all the associations that came up for you while they were talking. In fact, do your best to stop your own associations and focus as keenly as possible on what they are saying, as though it is something you are hearing for the very first time. Be objective in your listening, try to hear with clarity, don't allow your own associations to interfere with your listening, your understanding, your caring. It's not that easy for me, but I'm working on it.
***
On the subject of listening, there is little choice when having dental work done! Today I saw my dentist because of a toothache. His wife is lovely and is his receptionist/accountant/office manager, and I have been going there since 1980, so I've gotten to know them over the years. She has been out of the office a lot in recent years with a wide range of health issues. Today he told me she nearly burned the house down, then had a wreck in their car, then went and made a large jewelry purchase, then sat in the car for 4 hours in front of the jewelers, apparently in a catatonic state. Police were called. She ended up being diagnosed as having had a psychotic episode perhaps brought on by a severe bladder infection. But, it turns out she was diagnosed long ago as bipolar but refuses medication. So, she has been getting into some difficulties. (Been there and done that many times.) She is now in a psych ward and will be moved into a nursing care facility and cannot go home unless she takes her prescribed meds. My dentist said that the label of mental illness, specifically bipolar, has quite a stigma attached to it for her and so she is in denial and doesn't think she needs meds. Reality has repeatedly proven otherwise for her and many others. I wish her the very best, she has been in my thoughts all day. My dentist needed to talk. Lots going on for them and I cannot imagine the pressure he is under. So I listened, and understood for more than he will ever imagine! Last I heard, she is taking her meds and hopes to come home. I had a fractured lower molar. We shall see if a crown and/or root canal will be needed, but there was no abscess, but perhaps nerve damage. Wait and see.
Mikio and I had a nice long walk in Zilker park. Yesterday I drove to Round Rock so Pepe could see his dermatologist for his allergy issues. Now we are awaiting blood tests to see if he has hyperthyroidism, which is relatively easy to treat. He has lost a lot of weight and simply cannot hold food down. But, the new vial is working well and he has stopped the licking and scratching that leaves his skin raw and bloody. I will slightly decrease his weekly injections. Wait and see.
I feel really tired tonight!
***
On the subject of listening, there is little choice when having dental work done! Today I saw my dentist because of a toothache. His wife is lovely and is his receptionist/accountant/office manager, and I have been going there since 1980, so I've gotten to know them over the years. She has been out of the office a lot in recent years with a wide range of health issues. Today he told me she nearly burned the house down, then had a wreck in their car, then went and made a large jewelry purchase, then sat in the car for 4 hours in front of the jewelers, apparently in a catatonic state. Police were called. She ended up being diagnosed as having had a psychotic episode perhaps brought on by a severe bladder infection. But, it turns out she was diagnosed long ago as bipolar but refuses medication. So, she has been getting into some difficulties. (Been there and done that many times.) She is now in a psych ward and will be moved into a nursing care facility and cannot go home unless she takes her prescribed meds. My dentist said that the label of mental illness, specifically bipolar, has quite a stigma attached to it for her and so she is in denial and doesn't think she needs meds. Reality has repeatedly proven otherwise for her and many others. I wish her the very best, she has been in my thoughts all day. My dentist needed to talk. Lots going on for them and I cannot imagine the pressure he is under. So I listened, and understood for more than he will ever imagine! Last I heard, she is taking her meds and hopes to come home. I had a fractured lower molar. We shall see if a crown and/or root canal will be needed, but there was no abscess, but perhaps nerve damage. Wait and see.
Mikio and I had a nice long walk in Zilker park. Yesterday I drove to Round Rock so Pepe could see his dermatologist for his allergy issues. Now we are awaiting blood tests to see if he has hyperthyroidism, which is relatively easy to treat. He has lost a lot of weight and simply cannot hold food down. But, the new vial is working well and he has stopped the licking and scratching that leaves his skin raw and bloody. I will slightly decrease his weekly injections. Wait and see.
I feel really tired tonight!
