There are many books written on the topic of grief, but experiencing it may be very different from person to person depending on a variety of variables.  For some reason, of late, I have found myself feeling a deep sadness over the loss of my dog, Mikio, a rehomed Shiba Inu I adopted from Shiba Inu Rescue of Texas, Austin chapter.  I adopted him when he was 2 months shy of 7 years of age, and he died 2 months shy of his 16th birthday.  I created an altar in his memory composed of a painting of him, his ashes in a Raku Urn, his paw print, a vial of his hair, and a blown up favorite photo.  When one has a deep, loving attachment to a pet, it is hard to let go, and the best way to do this, in my opinion, is to allow yourself to feel everything that comes up no matter what or when or how.  I think there is a fine line between healing grief and wallowing in the sadness of loss and lingering there.  I think I'm guilty of both.  He died on April 8 of 2022.  A few days ago I heard a song titled Memories by Maroon 5 and it brought back a tsunami of memories of Mikio along with a heart felt longing to hold him and have him by my side. Such deep sadness I have felt, again.  I have created a photo album of hundreds of photos plus I have many videos of him that I can watch.  What I cannot do is hold him, touch him, take him on walks, be with him.  This is what I miss the most.  His presence.  Alas, he is gone forever, which will happen to each and every living thing on earth.  Dogs are such wonderful companions.  I now have a beautiful, loving 18 month old Golden Retriever that I got months before Mikio crossed the rainbow bridge so I wouldn't have to go without a dog companion.  I love him dearly, named him Bodhi, and adopted him as a 7 week old puppy.  About 2 years before his death, Mikio began showing signs of dementia, known as Canine Cognitive Dysfunction (CCD) which is quite similar to Alzheimer's in humans.  It progresses slowly, and there are many medications that help with the symptoms, but there is no cure.  It just marches on and over time they begin to forget, and forget more and more.  Along with this devastating deterioration of the brain, there is also the many problems that come with aging--partial loss of sight, of hearing, arthritis, vertigo, and more, different for each dog.  Typically one observes a loss of maneuverability, heightened fear and anxiety.  They often get stuck in corners and cannot figure out how to get out.  They forget which side of the door they need to come to in order to exit or enter the house.  They tend to pace for hours after the sun goes down, and will often pace until they are exhausted.  They forget how to ask to go outside to urinate or defecate, and will simply go wherever they are, unaware they are inside the house.  I took up all of our area rugs and sent them to Deep Eddy for cleaning, and then put them in storage.  I cleaned and mopped up accidents in the house for a year and developed a hard callus on my hand.  Because Mikio was such a loyal and dignified dog, I inexplicably never lost any patience with these exhausting tasks.  We all just coped as best as we could.  He continued sleeping on his pallet at the side of my bed except for those times when he could not find it and would drop down from exhaustive pacing most anywhere in the house where he wandered for hours most nights.  Back and forth, back and forth, endlessly.  I wore earplugs which allowed me to sleep.  If he got into trouble, he would whine loudly and I would hear him and get up and assist in any way I could.  It often seemed as though he was trying to walk through the walls of the house.  He was truly a beautiful dog and was showered with compliments everywhere we went.  He did reach the point in his life where quite often I would have to carry him outside and standing became very difficult.  In the final days of his life, he could not get up at all on his own, but once I stood him up, he could manage to stand albeit awkwardly.  It was so sad to watch the progression of this disease.  On his last day we gathered together outside on the grass.  It was a beautiful day.  The vet arrived and administered the meds needed to peacefully help him pass over.  An employee of the crematorium arrived and wrapped him in a beautiful purple blanket and I carried him to the back of the van. 

Memories

Song by Maroon 5

Here's to the ones that we got
Cheers to the wish you were here, but you're not
'Cause the drinks bring back all the memories
Of everything we've been through
Toast to the ones here today
Toast to the ones that we lost on the way
'Cause the drinks bring back all the memories
And the memories bring back, memories bring back you

There's a time that I remember, when I did not know no pain
When I believed in forever, and everything would stay the same
Now my heart feel like December when somebody say your name
'Cause I can't reach out to call you, but I know I will one day, yeah

Everybody hurts sometimes
Everybody hurts someday, ayy ayy
But everything gon' be alright
Go and raise a glass and say, ayy

Here's to the ones that we got
Cheers to the wish you were here, but you're not
'Cause the drinks bring back all the memories
Of everything we've been through
Toast to the ones here today
Toast to the ones that we lost on the way
'Cause the drinks bring back all the memories
And the memories bring back, memories bring back you

Doo doo, doo doo doo doo
Doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo
Doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo
Memories bring back, memories bring back you

There's a time that I remember when I never felt so lost
When I felt all of the hatred was too powerful to stop (ooh, yeah)
Now my heart feel like an ember and it's lighting up the dark
I'll carry these torches for ya that you know I'll never drop, yeah

Everybody hurts sometimes
Everybody hurts someday, ayy ayy
But everything gon' be alright
Go and raise a glass and say, ayy

Here's to the ones that we got (oh)
Cheers to the wish you were here, but you're not
'Cause the drinks bring back all the memories
Of everything we've been through (no, no)
Toast to the ones here today (ayy)
Toast to the ones that we lost on the way
'Cause the drinks bring back all the memories (ayy)
And the memories bring back, memories bring back you

Doo doo, doo doo doo doo
Doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo
Doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo
Memories bring back, memories bring back you
Doo doo, doo doo doo doo
Doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo
Doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo (ooh, yeah)
Memories bring back, memories bring back you

Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, doh, doh
Memories bring back, memories bring back you

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Adam Levine / Jacob Hindlin / Jonathan Bellion / Jordan Johnson / Michael Pollack / Stefan Johnson / Vincent Ford

Memories lyrics © BMG Rights Management, Universal Music Publishing Group, Warner Chappell Music, Inc

Yesterday at the park there was a four foot rat snake in an oak tree, and two guys, dressed all in black, were taking photos of him.  They called me over as Mikio and I were passing and I identified the snake, with some certainty, as a rat snake.  It was an interesting event, and I wondered why both of these young men were dressed in black shirts, black slacks, black shoes.  They were quite friendly and I was picking up a good, positive vibe.  Other strangers wandered by briefly and made attempts to identify the snake.  I stayed for a while as I didn't want anyone to come along and tease, bother, or possibly kill this non-poisonous snake that is good to have around.  Eventually he climbed higher into the tree and disappeared and I felt it was okay to leave.  One of the guys was a seminarian at a local catholic church, St. Martin de Porres, and he encouraged me to attend mass.  The other guy was a visiting friend.  During these days of self-imposed sheltering at home, it was nice to have face to face encounters with other folks, even though I wore a mask the whole time.  They did not. 

Prior to this pandemic, I found myself being rushed to St. David's hospital were I stayed for 3 days awaiting a diagnosis.  Blood was taken every four hours around the clock, heart tests were performed, various specialists were called in.  My red and white blood cell count was very low as was my hemoglobin.  I was given a blood transfusion that didn't seem to help much.  I was so weak I could hardly walk across the room without my heart pounding and becoming breathless.  It took a while, but it was eventually determined that I had bleeding duodenal ulcers.  The good news is that such ulcers are easy to treat and the cause of the ulcers was NSAIDS which I had been taking routinely for pain in my knee.  I didn't realize how dangerous such over the counter medications were.  Now I know.  Beware of NSAIDS, especially on an empty stomach, no matter what medical advice you are given.

Most nights before bed I walk a well worn path into the woods where the animals gather and I deposit

mounds of food here and there.  I go to the edge, turn around, and begin my food distribution on my return to the house.  My flashlight may catch the glowing eyes of a deer before he thunders away into the darkness or a pair of shiny raccoon eyes looking my way.  Sometimes a fox.  Most unique of all is this:  there is a tiny but exceedingly bright light that sometimes catches the rays from my flashlight and sparkles brilliantly like a star that has fallen to earth.  Is that a diamond, or some precious jewel that someone lost long ago?  Much to my surprise, over and over again when I follow the reflected rays I come upon the same creature--a small grey spider, facing my direction.  She makes her appearance in mysterious ways and in many locations but always like a shining star on the ground, in the grasses, quiet and still, looking at me.  I marvel at how her eyes can create this brilliant burst of color that I can see from so very far away.  When I get close enough to see her, the brightness dissipates completely as her little grey body comes into view.  I could reach down and touch her but that is not to be done.  It is said that Grandmother Spider weaves the fabric of the universe that holds everything together.  My youngest sister died this week alone in her bed.  My brother found her in the morning.  I feel sad, and angry, but this death comes as no surprise.  As her son told me, he has been expecting this for most of his life.  She was 52 and my nephew is 21.  I could criticize and condemn her behaviors, her lifestyle, but couldn't I just as easily have followed a similar life of addiction, of living deep in shadow, afraid of my own light?  I think that's very possible, so when judgments form in my mind I try to stop myself and let the feelings come up.  Are we not all connected and reflections of one another?  I am no better, I am only lucky that somewhere, somehow some healing choices came my way and for whatever reasons, no matter, I grabbed a hold of them and took a different journey.   Still, I am not immune to disease, tragedy, or death.  She lived her life the way she chose and don't we all want the freedoms to live the way we want, not tethered to cultural norms and societal rules that make no sense to us?  The pain and consequences we inflict on others cannot, perhaps, be justified, but knowingly or unknowingly, we are tools, we are instruments of a vast and diverse universe that is composed of expressions that are unique and infinite.  All stars eventually burn out.  Hers was an especially bright one, oftentimes blinding.  May you rest in peace, Amy.  You will be missed by many.   

Blue Horses

Something about horses arises, almost daily.  Mary Oliver writes about stepping into Marc Franz's painting of four blue horses.  I marvel at his work--bright primary colors depicting horses, cows, foxes, cats.  German Expressionism.  I marvel at Mary Oliver and how she expresses her observations of the natural world through her poetry and essays.  I book a riding lesson at Silver Fox Farms with Colleen.  The drive is beautiful, the horse and I make circles in the arena, walking, trotting.  An English saddle and very different from what I know and I like it but long to be set free on an open trail.  The detailed instruction reminds me of Iyengar Yoga--use your core, press down through your heels, keep your shins in and against the body of the horse, don't cross your hands, elbows in, look straight ahead, not down, don't lean forward, keep your spine erect.  It's cold and drizzling, then later the snow comes dancing down in the dark as we rush to bring in selected plants.  The neighbor lady honks at her horses and I begin practicing the first four steps of nine in the Enneagram of Letting Go--see it, say it, sense it, stay with it.  Then, relax, respire, reconnect, reframe.  Presence.  Those pesky little hooks can grab me in an instant and I'm off and galloping into non-reality.  Of late I've been seeing a young therapist with thick hair cropped close to the skin on the sides and in the back of his head.  The most beautiful teeth I've ever seen.  There is a dance being taught and learned--how to engage and tango with Essence.  There is discipline in this.  We work with Meredith and follow her instructions on Chinese yoga, movement, breath, chi, yin and yang.  My muscles ache.  On Wednesdays I place my mat close to the heart chakra quartz crystal singing bowl and feel the vibrations resonating deep within.  Jan's east Texas voice soothes and the long sound of her esses is sweet.  Dixie tells me she has been spending time with Light On Yoga and I tell her that Anne has been teaching the road to malasana and other asanas on the syllabus.  The Christmas tree is up and the decorations are out, presents are wrapped, plans are in the works. I've had nightly visits from raccoons, a fox, a beautiful skunk, and the mysterious buck that somehow manages to come and go as he pleases despite the seven and a half foot fence that apparently is not an obstacle.  How glorious to gracefully leap over the many obstacles that block our path!

Go Out and Let Your Hearts Get Broken

 "Go out and get your hearts broken," Hunter advised.  "Reach out for those things that will awaken you, know that your deepest cravings are usually not for what you think you want, but for those things that your heart knows you need.  Your deepest fears and your darkest abysses are there to awaken you to a thousand moments of enlightenment.  Go there no matter how much you tremble and quiver."
*****
I had a dream that Hilary Clinton was dead, and her body lay on a gurney.  Hunched over her on the verge of dissecting her was Donald Trump.  The collective corpus of the majority of voters have felt defeat, this broad body of learned folks stunned into disbelief, reaching out to one another through comforting emails, published stories, reciting words of wisdom, gathering together to rally and march.  Will something good or even great come from all this?
*****
Within the complex mythology of the Aztecs, one can extract the story of Nanautzin, a god who eventually leaped into a giant fire and became the sun of the fifth kingdom.  This god was known for his humility, for his many wounds, his "sores".   Because he had lived such a privileged life and been given everything he ever wanted or needed (brings to mind the Buddha), he could not understand the deep feelings that surfaced for him when he was denied access to the envied fruit (gourd) of a grand tree.  This brought on suffering and pain which he had never before experienced, and he discovered that through these sorrows he gained a far greater understanding of the the world, he understood and felt compassion, and love, and the many rewards that can be reaped from the healing of wounds.  We are encouraged by this to open our hearts to the world, live fully and experience all that comes our way without erecting barriers.  Yes, our hearts will be broken over and over again, but the heart is designed to withstand all this pain and sorrow and move us forward into lives of  heartfelt living.  This story resonated with me on several levels.  We are often attracted to those things we don't have, or cannot have, and this tends to make our desires to own, possess, feel, touch these things even more pronounced.  Then, often, when we get "them" we only experience a temporary reprieve from our deepest longings..
****
I opened my heart as best as I could while at the ruins of Teotihuacan with no expectation as to what, if anything, might come my way.  The energy of the sacred place was palatable, the sky and the trees seemed to reach out to me and embrace me in profound ways.  There was indeed magic.  But on this particular retreat, the magic of the place was greatly enhanced by the magic of the many folks I encountered, from the celebratory mass at The Dreaming House followed by festive dancing to the warm embrace of a young man whose skin was softer than the skin of an infant.  He was a fellow retreatant who felt such fear and temerity that unbeknownst to me or anyone else he was on the verge of secretly hopping in a cab and making his way to the airport when I knocked on his door to say hello and let him know that I could see him struggling through the group sessions, I could see and feel his discomfort and was there anything I could do?  This is the moment when hearts opened wide and surrendered to connection.
****
Earlier this week, on my yearly drive to see my psychiatrist I noticed an unusually large buck standing on a hillock overlooking Ranch Road 12, and as I gazed in my rear view mirror I could see a doe standing on the edge of the pavement, probably getting ready to cross to the other side.  I began flashing my lights on and off to the cars heading in that direction and I could feel a sinking in my heart.  On my return trip as I approached this same spot, I noticed several vehicles pulled to the side of the road and I saw a man walking along the edge of the road with his cell phone in hand, and there, lying at the edge of the road where asphalt meets native grasses lay the majestic buck in a pool of blood with his proud horns reaching skyward, symbolizing his strength and prowess, his maturity, and his instinctive determination to follow the doe no matter the consequences.
****
The greatest threat to adults over the age of 65 is heart disease. Our hearts beat as much as 60,000 to 115,000 times a day, and pump 6 quarts of blood through about 12,000 miles of vessels, arteries, and capillaries every day.  In the womb, our hearts are the first organ to form.  We are made up of hydrogen, nitrogen, oxygen, and carbon, the most abundant materials in the universe.  We are the stuff of stars and galaxies.  We are made of more than 35 trillion cells.  Multiply that number by 10 and you get an estimate of the number of microbial cells in/on our bodies.
****
My house guest from several years ago spent much of his time looking for a house to buy in this area so that he could have some land for horses, a good studio space to paint, a permanent home in the country to go with his new job in Austin as a Physical Therapist, and hopefully find something deep inside that was missing from his life.   Things did not go well for him and after less than a year he put his house up for sale and returned from whence he came.  During my short-term, complex relationship with this man he confided in me things he said he had never told anyone before, ever.  The profound childhood abuse he suffered for many years at the hands of his father and older brother was almost as difficult for him to think about as it was to talk about.  Very deep, dark, unrevealed secrets that had only been revealed once?  to me?  from this man in his 50's?  I began seeing disturbances in his behavior that were the result of never processing such trauma, never allowing such deep anguish to come into the light of day.  I cried out loud for him.  I screamed, I wrote, I spoke, and I prodded him to seek healing, but this was not to be.  In hindsight, I was perhaps trying to intervene where I should not have.  Last Fall he had open heart surgery to replace his mitral valve.  Last week he took his own life rather than face the darkness that manifested itself physically in his broken heart.  Such sadness I feel.
****
And so I will always remember Hunter telling the group, "go out and get your hearts broken."  Reach out for those things that will awaken you, know that your deepest cravings are usually not for what you think you want, but for those things that your heart knows you need.  Your deepest fears and your darkest abysses are there to awaken you to a thousand moments of enlightenment.  

For me Easter was walking my dog along a quiet trail and suddenly hearing the extraordinarily vibrant singing of a mockingbird and being totally captivated by his music, the range of notes, the tonality, the pitch, the celebration, the pure sound of Nature.  I stood there and closed my eyes and felt the vibration, the joy, the magic flowing through me.  It was profound connection.  The simplicity of it all washed through me leaving me feeling blessed and cleansed.  I smiled, thanked her, and left her alone to sing her Song, our Song.  

Halves

This first half of 2015 has been both difficult and richly rewarding.  Most pain and suffering of any degree is often followed by a period of understanding and learning.  In all of this one finds love, forgiveness through understanding and compassion, connection and new levels of self-awareness.  I have learned and more fully experienced how everyone that comes into my life is a gift, an opportunity, a blessing, even though I may not see that for a while or immediately welcome this difficulty as Rumi asks us to do in his poem The Guesthouse.  One of my recently discovered treasures is Tara Brach's book Radical Acceptance which has taught me so much.  I have been working with an Internal Family Systems therapist and we have done some deep inner work.  I have come to learn that our deepest core issues will continue to revisit us and require that we pay close attention and homage to their often unwelcome offerings which we may not recognize as such initially.  "We take refuge in the Buddha (Real self), the dharma (our path), and the sangha (our connections)." The parallels in Buddhism, Shamanism, Internal Family Systems, The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, the teachings of BKS Iyengar and of course many more are striking, like bolts of lightening that illuminate our many pathways and demand our onward march with a powerful force that cannot be brushed aside.  If we ignore our painful emotions we bypass richly rewarding opportunities.  If we dig and explore, doors open and treasures are found.

"Teotihuacan can be translated, 'The Place Where Human Beings Discover God Within.'  Every stone of this sacred ceremonial site has been infused with powerful transformational energies that begin to reawaken our capacity for greater life and happiness in our very cells, from the moment we arrive.  Many people experience this transformation even before they arrive:  old issues, unhealed wounds, and unnamed feelings begin to arise in our lives in the weeks leading up to the journey, so that we can bring our loving-kindness and healing attention to them.  Some people even experience a physical detoxification.  I encourage you to allow and trust this process without struggling too hard to analyze it, simply take loving care of yourself, and give yourself a little quiet time to journal, reflect, or enjoy supportive time with friends.  Teotihuacan is a place of rebirth; like the mythical serpent Quetzalcoatl, we have the opportunity to shed the skin of our old stories about limitations and wounds, and grow new wings of self-love and vision.  Set an intention for your own transformation and rebirth as you near the journey, and that intention will be the most valuable thing you can bring with you."  Hunter Flournoy, owner Spirit Journeys, Shaman, psychotherapist, healer, leader and workshop/retreat facilitator and more...

I had a dream that I was pregnant.  (Giving birth to a new aspect of myself, a beginning, a discovery or nurturing of Self, inner growth)....

In the yard I found a heart-shaped stone with a white line through the middle of it that has since mysteriously disappeared.  Sometimes our hearts have to be ripped open or become inflamed with excruciating pain before we can allow ourselves to really feel our inner wounds and allow healing to begin and this process repeats itself over and over again as we journey ahead.  In his book Mastery of Love, Don Miguel Ruiz discusses relationships and how each relationship we have in this world is unique and different from any other and the important lesson that we cannot change others, only ourselves.  Love is nonobligatory, fear closes doors.  Each relationship has two parts, yours and theirs.  When we truly love ourselves, we do not allow others to take advantage of us.  It is so easy to get ensnared, as Brach discusses, in the "trance of unworthiness" and get hypnotized by our own wounds and fears.

I swear the hummingbirds seek me out when the feeder has gone dry.  I laughed until I had tears when I told Brendan that I saw a bee that had found his way into the sugar water and was drowning with no escape and how I not only rescued him, but also washed him off with filtered water so he wouldn't dry and be coated with a stickiness.  Symbolically, I didn't want him stuck, just as I want to rescue myself when I am stuck and on the brink.  An important lesson I learn over and over again is to Pause, Reflect, Focus on the body while very quiet, breathe with intention and discipline, feel where in the body there might be some manifestation.  Listen, acknowledge, accept.

It is all the stuff of Dreams and we are all dreaming.

In one of our webinars Hunter has mentioned that some people want to be able to see auras and spirits which is not something I wish for, although I think I understand the longing.  Why would one want to see a spirit when you can look out onto the landscape and see real clouds, trees, grasses, people, birds that you can hear, see, touch and feel.  Why want to see someone's aura when you can explore your relationship with that person and learn if there is a extraordinary connection that transcends language?  Of course I understand that seeing spirits and auras is a gift, and like grace, if it comes, welcome it; if you want it, ask for it, but then pause and wait and have no expectation.  You never know what may arise, or as Hunter says, when you are carefully watching for something to come to you through the front door, it may very well have come in the back door and has been with you all the while.

The second half of 2015 begins with a journey to the ancient pyramids of Teotihuacan near Mexico City with Spirit Journeys, a trip I will be making without Dale, mid-July.  In November, with Overseas Adventure Travel, Dale and I will be staying in small inns (paradores and pousadas) throughout the countryside of Spain and Portugal for several weeks.

The beautiful heart shaped stone with a line dividing it into halves speaks to me and I just found it.

.